Matt and I recently discovered this amazing book, Drops like Stars, by Rob Bell. The book is his thoughts on suffering - I know this sounds quite depressing, but I am finding a lot of comfort and hope in the pages of this beautiful book.
In one part of the book he discusses the phrase, "Out of the Box." I don't know about you but through school and work and many areas of my life, I have always been encouraged to think "out of the box." I was taught that meant to think openly and creatively about issues, but in the book he makes an excellent point. Thinking "out of the box" implies that the box is still our reference.
That really hit me. In my desire for control, I like all of life's issues and experiences to fit into nice neat boxes that can easily be labeled. I am fine with thinking "out of the box" because that still means that the box is my point of reference.
But as Rob Bell points out in the book, there are some really tough moments in life that literally shatter our boxes.
Losing Isaiah shattered my box.
While I was pregnant with Isaiah, Matt and I made plans for our lives and our son. Everything seemed to fit neatly into organized boxes of future hopes and dreams and plans. The moment we found out our son no longer had a heartbeat, all those plans, all those neatly packaged boxes were shattered in a million pieces. To quote Rob bell, we had "no other option but to imagine a totally new tomorrow."
Life, void of the boxes, has been tough. I no longer have a point of reference, and I never know what to expect from one moment to the next, let alone one day to the next. Some moments I am actually doing pretty well - in fact, I haven't even cried yet today, but I never know when I will be slammed by the waves of intense grief and anxiety. I miss my boy and I miss knowing what the next five minutes will bring.
In a way, that's freeing though. I can't help but slow down and appreciate each moment because its too hard to imagine what the next moment will bring. Also, I now realize how easy it is to make "control" and "our neat little boxes" an idol. They become a point of reference for our lives on which its so easy to base our hopes and plans and desires. But the truth remains that there is only one constant in our lives that will bring true hope and peace, and that is GOD. He is one immovable point of reference I will joyfully set my eyes on.