I'll Love You Forever

Has it really already been a month since I held sweet Isaiah in my arms? In some ways it feels like it was just yeserday and in others in feels like eons ago. Though my body still bears some physical reminders, I can hardly remember the days of my carefree pregnancy. It feels like a distant, whimsical dream.

Today has been a bittersweet day for me. Yesterday, I bought some spray roses to take to Isaiah's property. (We "borrowed" that term from another blog I read because I agree that sounds so much better than grave.) I also planned to take a small metal cross to the cemetary since his property will not have a marker until spring. This morning I woke up and headed into the kitchen to find something to eat for breakfast, but the roses and cross just glared back at me. Though beautiful, they just served as painful reminders that my son really is dead - that I am a 27 year old woman who has to plan what to take out to her son's "property." My appetite immediately left me and once again I sank down into the depths of sadness. The tears flowed and flowed and I physically felt this anguish in the pit of my stomach. Though, over the past weeks, I keep vascilating between the surrealness and the reality of our loss, this morning it was just real. This is not a dream that I will wake up from in a few hours no matter how much I wish I will.

Yet in the midst of my saddness, I couldn't help but think of all of the wonderful moments I spent with Isaiah. I still remember the first time Matt and I saw him on our early ultrasound. He looked just like a kidney bean, but he was our little miracle kidney bean. It was love at first sight. Then I remember the first time we heard his heartbeat on the doppler. It was so fast. Matt kept saying how it sounded like a little train. I remember the first time I felt him move. It was so magical. Little did I know he would be quite the mover. He used to be so active that I remember commenting to my mom that it felt like he was trying to back his way out of my belly button. I just loved being pregnant with Isaiah.

While I was pregnant I remember reading the book Love You Forever. My mom gave me this book when I graduated high school and on the inside cover she wrote me a note...

Lauren,

Always rember....

I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living,
My baby you'll be.

-Mom

I treasure these words and I know from the bottom of my heart that they are so true. No matter what curveballs life has thrown at she and I, I always know that she loves me. I am blessed to call her mom.

I wanted to share the same love with my son. I honestly didn't know what kind of parent I would be. I am sure I would have made plenty of mistakes. I am sure Isaiah would have rolled his eyes at me just like I used to do to my mom, but no matter what, I wanted to make sure he knew he was loved.

Isaiah may never hear me say the words, "I love you," but I hope he knows he is loved. As the months, and years go by, he will never be forgotten or replaced. Just as mom so lovingly wrote me -

Isaiah -

Always remember...

I'll love you forever,
I'll like you for always,
As long as I'm living,
My baby you'll be

-Mom