Happy Birthday Isaiah!

Dear Isaiah,

Today marks one year since I got to gaze upon your sweet face and hold you in my arms.  I miss you more than words can express.  I wish that I was planning your birthday party, decorating the house with balloons and baking you your first birthday cake.  I bet you would have been messy like me and gotten it all over yourself.  You would have looked so cute.  My heart breaks that I don't get to share the special memories with you, but I rest in knowing that you are having the most incredible birthday in heaven.

Know that mommy and daddy love you so much!

Happy Birthday!!


Not what I expected...

Honestly I had been dreading yesterday for the last few weeks.  February 2nd, the anniversary of the day I found out my sweet boy had gone to heaven.  I have to say, 2.2.10 was the hardest day of my life.  So much sadness and fear were wrapped up into one day.  It was utterly shattering to find out his heart had stopped after just feeling him move the night before, and the terror of having to give birth to his lifeless body was more than I could bear.  I know it sounds silly, but at the time, I remember thinking, "I can't do this.  I haven't even been to my birthing classes.  This just isn't possible."  Unfortunately, class or no class, I didn't have a choice.  But thanks to a wonderful doctor and some incredibly supportive friends, I made it through the day.

I was afraid that yesterday, the anniversary of that fateful day, would cause me to go beyond remembering and relive the shattering emotions.  Matt and I knew that we wanted to mark the day...but we also wanted to keep our minds busy so we volunteered at a local christian charity.

Well, our plans were thwarted.  Yesterday (and the night before) was one of the biggest blizzards Chicago had ever experienced.  Everything shut down...including the organization we had planned on volunteering at.  Though for a moment, I panicked about having to face the whole day stuck in my house, my fear was quickly replaced with a childlike excitement about the snow day.  After the gale force winds off of Lake Michigan died down, the snow in our neighborhood was incredibly beautiful to look at.  As the peaceful blanket of white covered up the previously muddy streets and sidewalks, I was reminded how God can wash the muck of our lives - all the shame, the sorrows, the pain, the sins, etc - as white as snow.  HE makes all things new!

I kept looking out our window with childlike wonder until after lunch Matt and I decided to don our snow gear and venture out on a walk through this winter wonderland.  The sights we saw were simply amazing, but my favorite was a walk on the beach by our house.  The powerful winds and snow created a scene like I had never seen before.

Between the amazing snow day, the incredibly sweet messages I received from so many friends and family, and the countless prayers of so many, I got through yesterday, and you know what, it was actually a good day!  I remembered my sweet boy, Isaiah, but not with tears...with a smile.