Today was my first day back to work and honestly, I was terrified, sad, overwhelmed and a whole heap of other emotions. Though I am glad that life moves forward despite loss and pain, there is a piece of my heart that just desires for time to stand still. It has been 6 weeks since I delivered our precious son, yet my heart still aches like it was yesterday. My world has stopped and a piece of me wishes the rest of the world would just stop with me. Yet, it does not, and heading back to the office was but another milestone of treading wearily into the future.
Despite my trepidation, my day wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. I had this deep seeded anxiety over seeing people that didn't know what happened, yet the Lord sheltered me from this pain. I was able to hide in the comforting familiarity of my own desk. A few wonderful people stopped by, and though it was hard to watch them fight the tears I could see lurking in their eyes, they genuinely wanted to know how I was doing and made me feel so loved and cared for.
During lunch, there was a meeting of our weekly prayer group. I love being a part of this group, yet I was dreading this time as I couldn't help but remember that Isaiah was born as this group met on that fateful day. I mustered up the courage to attend and it was amazing. It was so encouraging to share our needs with each other. There was a new woman in the group, who thankfully already knew my story, and she so boldly prayed and declared the Word of God over us. Tears poured from my eyes, but I found that they were tears of sadness mixed with great comfort and restoration. There is something so healing about sobbing with a group of amazing women as you lay yourself before the throne of God. The time was so sweet that I realized 11:39a on Wednesday came and went and for the first time in 6 weeks I didn't even realize it. That in itself is a huge milestone.
The rest of the day passed rather quickly. I talked with several more sweet people and though I didn't accomplish much of anything, I decided just being able to stay in that office until 5 was a huge accomplishment in itself. Towards the end of the day, I could feel that pit-of-my-stomach emptiness and anxiety creep in. I reached out to my dear friend Kristen who has so lovingly walked with me through each step of this uncharted journey. After chatting for a moment she said something that changed my whole outlook. She told me how proud she was that I made it through the day and asked me what my favorite part was. My favorite part? How could I have a favorite part on this day that I had built up to be so overwhelmingly awful? But you know what, right in that moment I realized I had more than one favorite moment. That beautiful time of prayer and those moments of talking with my friends and coworkers that have helped to carry through the past 6 weeks were such sweet moments. I went from feeling like I merely survived the day to realizing how blessed a day it truly was!