The Psalms struck a chord with me again today. I am having a hard day. I am not sure what specifically triggered my "funk," but I feel a bit like Eore and I swear, a little rain cloud seems to be following me around despite the beautiful sun in the sky. I know in general why I am sad. I am still grieving my boy and grief has a way of ebbing and flowing in our souls. In the past I have found that the toughest days seem to be particular markers - one month, 6 weeks, 1st day back to work, etc... but not today. Today I am just in a funk. I know there will be days like this. I just wish knowing about them would make them any easier.
I have had some great milestones in my week though. Its interesting how when tragedy strikes you, your world feels flipped upside down and you have to relearn how to do just about everything. I have learned that I will just have to accept that things that used to feel so familiar - like riding the train to work or sitting at my desk or being in a group setting - will feel so foreign and I have to give myself time and space to learn to feel comfortable again. I am actually learning to celebrate facing some of these. Who knew riding to work by myself on the el could feel like a milestone, but it did. I made it and survived, and I am going to celebrate it!
I survived my first visit back to the gym too. I know that doesn't sound like such a great feat, but I knew that was the one place where a lot of people don't know what happened. As, I feared a couple people came up to me and said, "Oh you had your baby! How is everything?" I rehearsed in my head what I was going to say in these situations but those rehearsals didn't really work. I basically mumbled something like, "Yes, I did have my baby but unfortunately he didn't make it." There is nothing like watching a person's face go from joyful excitement to awkward, tearful sympathy in a moment. Fortunately the gym was fairly slow at the time I went, so I didn't have to bear that conversation too many times. I know there will be more, but somehow getting through the first few makes me confident that I can make it.
Also, I had my first Wednesday off this week. This too doesn't sound like a huge milestone, but it marked the first day I am choosing to do something for myself and that's big for me. I had planned to work a flex schedule after the baby came, but obviously things didn't work out like I planned. In the end, I decided if I could take time of to be with my baby, I can also take time for me. I am taking off every other Wednesday. I know that's not a ton of time off, but its just enough to not add to my stress at work and give me a bit of a break and time to pursue friendships that formed in the wake of the loss of Isaiah. This past Wednesday, I was able to get together with a sweet high school friend and a neighbor and have some time to myself. That was a good day.
My favorite milestone of the week had to be laughing so hard I couldn't catch my breath when I was out with my friend Alissa on Friday. I can't even remember exactly what we were laughing about. That may have had something to do with the Margarita I had - boy an I am lightweight now! But I specifically remember laughing and when I have spent most of my days in sadness and tears lately, laughter is such a welcome gift. I am so thankful for my evening out with her. She has been such an amazing friend to me for years and has stuck so close to my side in this tough time. She truly is a gift to me!
These are just a few of the milestones I have had this week. So while today is hard, I don't want to lose sight of all of the blessings in my life right now. If Isaiah would want anything for me, it would not be to spend the rest of my days drowning in sorrow. He would want me to be thankful for each day and every blessing in my life. I want to honor my son and the legacy I know he wanted to leave, so in the midst of tough days, I choose to celebrate the milestones!