Yesterday was a difficult day. Wednesdays in general are difficult days for me as they serve as weekly reminders of the birth of my beautiful son. Also, a friend of mine announced that she had her baby the night before. While I rejoice in the miracle of her new baby boy's life, I can't help but crawl back into that dark place - a place where I throw myself on the floor and cry, "Why me? and Its just not fair!" I know that life is not fair in this fallen world, I just wish I could convince my heart of this truth.
I am learning to take these moments of deepest anguish and give them to God. I used to try to "pretty-up" my prayers, but I know God knows the deepest part of my broken soul. He knows the depth of my pain and the unending, unanswerable questions that plague me, so there is no use building a pleasing facade to hide the ruins that lay behind.
I love a prayer that I read by Carol Kent in her book, When I Lay My Issac Down. She too was learning to take her deep-seeded anguish and turn it over to God. Her honesty in the midst of her pain is such an encouragement to me.
"Lord where would I go if I turned away from You? If I didn't have You, I would have nothing. I have nowhere to turn, so while I'm pounding Your chest with my hurt, pain and anger, please know that I am still facing You, still leaning into the warmth of Your embrace, not sure I can trust You, but knowing You are all I have. If I left you, I would be completely aimless and lost. So while I feel devastated by what You have allowed to happen, I still cannot resist pressing into the comfort of Your strong arms. I am angry that I am not resisting You more, because I know You could have stopped this thing from happening - but I have nowhere else to go."
So while I often feel that I am drowning in the deep, dark cavern of grief, I love knowing that God will meet me in this place. He knows the mess of the pit, yet I don't need to clean myself up for Him. I just need to lift my eyes and turn my battered soul towards Him and His grace, love and comfort and He will help lift me out.
I lift my eyes up to the hills -
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord,
the maker of heaven and earth.
-Psalm 121:1-2
I was so saddened when I was told that your son had passed away. There are no words I can say that will take away the constant pain you are feeling. You have suffered a loss so grievous that I believe only another parent could imagine how you are suffering. No one knows exactly how you feel, but they do know that you are tremendously sad. No parent wants to lose a child – it is not the natural order of life. But it happens and it happened to you. You will never be given a reason why your son had to die that will be acceptable. Don’t look for it. Know that your life will never be the same again.
ReplyDeleteI will pray for you every day. I will ask that God be near you at the start of each day. I will ask Him to put his loving arms around you and hold you tightly until your grief lessens. Nothing can ever take the place of your child, I know that and so does God. I will ask him to grant you the love of family and the blessing of friends to encourage you when you are down. But most of all I will ask for His loving care for you. He also knows what it is like to lose a Son.
Keep writing Lauren, your words are beautiful. I feel so close to you when I read your thoughts. I don't know His reason, but the Lord has placed Isiah, Matt and you close to my heart and I pray for the day when life gets less sad. God Bless You. Linda