Glimmers in the Darkness

The days since we have lost our sweet baby have seemed so dark. What was supposed to be a time of hopeful anticipation has become a series of silent, grief-filled days. Yet, in the midst of this, God has shown himself in so many ways. I have treasured these things in my heart as they give me tiny glimmers of hope and comfort in these darkest of days.

+My doctor, who had been with me for years, walked me through the miscarriage in 2008, journeyed with me through the joys of this pregnancy and had made me feel as cared for and loved as much as any doctor ever had, moved to St. Louis at the end of December. I was so sad that she had left, but she happened to be back filling in for a colleague on the day we found out that Isaiah no longer had a heartbeat. She was there to help lessen the blow on that fateful day and she was on call at the hospital so she was able to deliver my sweet baby and she was there in the days afterward. Though she was not able to "fix" anything, she was there to walk me through my scariest days and I could not have asked for a better doctor.

+The ray of sunshine that shone through the window as Isaiah quietly entered the world - It was such a grey day - but at that moment its as if God reached out from heaven into our hospital room to touch our broken and weary spirits and so tangibly say, "I am with you."

+The sky on the day of the memorial service - Chicago can be so gloomy in the winter yet on that day the sky was beautiful - bright blue and full of the poofy, summery clouds that Matt and I love so much.

+The chimes on the church next to our house were playing "It Is Well" as we left the house for the memorial service.

+The beautiful blanket of snow that fell on the day of the burial - Matt and I felt like we were wrapped in the most beautiful blanket of snow. It made the day so quiet and peaceful - just what we needed and wanted.

+The tax refund that came just in time - I had done our taxes unusually early this year. Our refund was direct deposited into our bank account the Friday after the memorial. When we did the math and added up the costs of the funeral home, cemetery, printing of the programs for the memorial and other miscellaneous expenses that came in resulting from this tragic day - we realized that our tax refund was $30 more than exactly what we needed.

+The friends, family, work colleagues, and church family that have and continue to surround us - Everyone has been such a blessing as we have gone through this. God has so powerfully used all of the people in our lives to literally carry us through this as we have learned this is just too big for us to walk through on our own. We have received so much love, support and encouragement in the form of visits, texts, emails, phone calls, cards, flowers, unexpected gifts, meals cooked and so much more.

I am sure I could go on and on as our God has been so faithful and present in the midst of our pain.

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