Held

Over the last few weeks, a new kind of darkness has set in...not the lonely darkness of grief which still hovers at times, but the darkness of fear for the future. What does God have in store for me? Will I ever get to be a mother to my own babies? This has really forced me to examine my faith. Do I really trust that God has a plan for my life - a plan that will bring him glory and be the best for me? Some days I do, but some days that's just to hard to swallow.

But God showed up this weekend, and it was so sweet.

This past weekend, I headed up to Minneapolis to attend the Women of Faith conference with Matt's mom, sister, and sister-in-law. We have been attending this conference for years and it has been such a wonderful weekend where we have gotten to bond as the women of the family and put aside the differences of our faith backgrounds and unite in our common love for Jesus. Its usually one of my favorite weekends of the year, but I have to admit, I was not looking forward to it as I have in years past. I just kept remembering how it was this weekend last year that we announced to everyone that we were pregnant. Because of our prior miscarriage, we had waited a while to tell everyone. We actually made it to 17 weeks and I was starting to show. Since I was going to see everyone in person, we figured we had to tell or they were going to think I swallowed a basketball. My mom was so excited. I remember her putting her hand on my belly. Somehow she knew right away that I was carrying a little boy. Matt's family was thrilled too. I remember that our mom's introduced themselves at the conference as grandmas to be. It was such a happy time. I remember that in the quiet moments of the weekend, I thought of how at this time next year, I would have a 7 month old baby. How exciting!

But that's not how it worked out. Here I sat this year, a childless mother. I just kept thinking, my boys should be at home hanging out together. Matt should not be home studying alone.

As I sat in my own pity party at the conference on Friday night, one of my favorite singers, Mandisa, took the stage. After of couple of lively songs, she told a story to start her slower set. A few years ago, a woman sent her a message. She was throwing a shower for a friend who was one of Mandisa's biggest fans and the friend thought it would be awesome if Mandisa would write her a note to be read at the shower. Mandisa readily agreed. A few weeks later, a very pregnant woman showed up at the front of one of her signing lines, and it turned about to be the same woman. They had a wonderful meeting and talked about the baby - who the woman found out was going to be a little boy and she was going to name him Andrew. A few weeks later, Mandisa was shocked to learn that the woman was being rushed to the hospital and they couldn't find little Andrew's heartbeat. Mandisa prayed for a miracle, but she was devastated to learn that Andrew passed away.

After telling this story, Mandisa said that she knew that there were other woman in the audience who had faced similar loss. She said she wanted us to know that in the midst of the pain and the grief, God was with us and that he loved us dearly. She then proceed to sing a beautiful song that she wrote in honor of Andrew.

How in the world, did she talk about the exact kind of tragedy I have faced this year? It was as though God was speaking directly to me. The tears flowed, but they weren't so much tears of sadness; they were more the tears of a woman who was touched to know that the God of the universe cared about her. He may not have stopped this whole mess from happening but he is holding me in the midst of the pain. It was though he was gently telling me, "Trust me. I do love you. I am still here."

It was a powerful moment. Somehow a bit of the darkness and fear that hovered over me for the past weeks just melted away. I don't know any more about what the future holds for me, but I do know who will be holding me through it. That's a beautiful comfort.

I'm back!

Sorry, I have been MIA lately, but Matt and I were on vacation. We went to New York, Cape Cod, and Boston, and get this, we took a train both ways! I think that idea sounded more idyllic when we were planning because the 21 hour trip both ways got a little long, but it was fun to roll through the heart of some beautiful small towns and look out at the glorious fall colors- especially through the Berkshires in western Massachusetts.

We had a blast out east, exploring the cities and the history of our country (Its amazing how I suddenly become interested in history when I travel....read it in a textbook and I am asleep in under 10 minutes). Here are a couple of my favorite pictures:

My favorite part of vacation was the whale watching trip we got to go on out of the Boston Harbor. Our captain took us about an hour and a half outside of Boston - so far out that no land was visible any way that you looked. We along with all the other passengers stood along the edge of the deck and scanned the ocean for any sight of a whale. After about 10 minutes of nothing, I thought to myself, "Sure, after the year I have had, of course I wouldn't actually see a whale." (Sheesh...my bratty self can come out). But then we spotted it:

The awesome spout from a blowhole of a whale! Just moments later, he came out of the surface of the water and we could see him a little more. Now, I have seen plenty of whales an Sea World or the aquarium, but this was the first whale I had ever seen in the wild, and I loved it! They are HUGE and powerful and beautiful. We saw a Minke whale and quite a few Humpback whales. One swam just under the surface of the water right next to the boat - kind of like seeing a big fish under the surface when you are at the lake, but this thing was HUGE! Matt and I were really glad to be in a big boat.

I stood there enthralled for of an hour looking for whales and gazing at the beautiful ocean and I was struck by the thought that

God's creation is amazing!

Loving September

Whew...the last few weeks have just flown by! We have been busy, but thankfully its been a month of fun and mostly good news!

Our month started with a fun dinner with the Bhutanese refugee family we have been working with.We have had a great time learning about their lives and their culture and we have been helping them get acclimated to life in America. We decided to introduce them to Mexican food that night.

I am not so sure what they thought about the food, but the sure did love our cats.

Then we headed up to MN to spend Labor Day weekend with Matt's family. The weather was beautiful and we had a blast playing games and hanging out together. The girls even took on the guys in a battle of the sexes bowling event. Unfortunately, the ladies lost - my horrid 50-something-score definitely did not help (Man I am a terrible bowler!). But we had a great time none the less.

Here's the ladies ready to take on the guys. We may not have the scores the guys did, but at least we looked cute losing :)

Then the next weekend, I headed up to Lake Geneva with for Missio Dei's 1st annual retreat. We had an amazing time hanging out in a beautiful spot and studying God's Redeeming Love for us. It was amazing. I did bring my camera but was having so much fun I forgot to take pictures once I got up there. I did manage to capture some shots on the way up. Since we wanted to make sure we had a true Wisconsin trip, we stopped at the brat stop where we had way to much fun and ate way to many calories (but I am determined that calories don't count on a girl's weekend anyway!)

Then during that week, I got some great news. My mom, who has been looking for a job for a bit, found a great job in a suburb near where Matt and I live. I am excited for her and I am excited to live fairly close to my mom - which we really haven't since I was in high school.

Then this past weekend we headed back up to MN for Matt's cousin's wedding. It was fun to get to see the family again for such a happy event.

The month so far has had many other fun events mixed in, and after months mixed with so much sadness and bad news, some fun and good news feels awesome.

Hit like a ton of bricks

I have actually been feeling pretty well the last couple of weeks. I would even go so far to say that I felt a bit like my old self, but that's not true. My old self is gone. Not that I don't still enjoy some of the same things, I just know that I will never look at life post-Isaiah the same. Part of that just stinks. I want to be naively happy again, but the larger part of me is grateful. I appreciate things much more deeply than I did before. I know what it is to feel indescribable pain and survive...that's even a little empowering. And Matt and I have grown so much closer to each other and to God. That piece of this whole mess is just phenomenal. But for the last couple of the weeks, the world hasn't felt as heavy.

That was until today. This morning I started going about my day like normal. As I sat down at my desk to prepare for a meeting, I looked at the calendar...August 2nd. Exactly 7 months since my life changed forever. I remember preparing for this same meeting that fateful day...not knowing that my precious child float lifelessly in my womb. This moment struck me as terribly odd...I didn't' break down in tears or anything (which is a huge feat for me!), but it just felt weird.

Luckily the morning was busy enough that I had to put these weird feelings aside and continue on my day. That was until I was sitting in another meeting later today. At around 11:15, I was struck by the memory that this was close to the exact time that I received that devastating news. While I sat in that meeting, I relived the most painful moments of my life. I vividly remember the look on the ultrasound technicians face as she threw down the wand and ran out of the room. I remember those agonizing minutes Matt and I sat waiting and wondering what was going on. I remember the frenzied tone of the technician's voice as she came back in to tell us the doctor would be in in just a moment and refused to tell us what was going on. What I can't remember is the exact moment I found out Isaiah's heart had stopped. I remember the screaming moments after we found out. I remember the doctor explaining what we would have to do next, but I can't remember the exact moment she told us. I suppose that's a gift. Who in their right mind would want to remember that, but it strikes me as so odd that I can't remember the most pivotal moment in my life.

The moment passed...again with no tears thankfully and I have been able to go about the rest of my day. I suppose that's life post-tragedy. You have to pick up the pieces and go on. You have to do "normal life." You still have really good days, but at a moments notice, something drags you back to that awful place...those awful memories. Thankfully, you also develop the strength to keep going despite these moments.

You will be fine.

Matt and I stumbled across this sign on the way to dinner in Chinatown, Chicago tonight. Enough said :-)

Angel on the El'

Last Tuesday, while waiting for El' train at the Jackson stop, I reached in my bag to pull out my book. But something in my gut stopped me and said, "Get out your Bible instead." Now any smart, God-fearing woman would get out her Bible, because clearly God had something to say. But not me. I'm stubborn, so I told God, "You know I do my reading time in the morning. After work, is my time to read a little fiction and unwind." Though my prideful statement was deserving of a good smoting at that moment, the lighting strike never came down into that tunnel. Instead an inner prompting quietly said again, "Get out your Bible." Ok, Ok, there were a few things I wanted to read through anyway... Begrudgingly, I reached for my Bible and turned to Galatians.

As soon as I opened the pages, a train arrived and I quickly boarded so I could find that coveted seat in the midst of what would soon be a rush hour cattle car...especially because it was a Cubs game night. I hate evening cubs games for this reason. The trains are usually packed enough during rush hour...add all of the cubs fans and it's a full hour of madness, but I digress. So I got a seat and decided to read Galatians.

I made it as far as the Galatians 1:1 and some guy turned around and had the nerve to interrupt my reading and ask where he needed to get off for the cubs stadium. Initially I had quite the Christian response, and thought to myself, "You idiot, just get off where the other thousand people wearing blue shirts get off." Good thing the Holy Spirit reminded me that I was holding a Bible and that I would not be acting as the best ambassador for Christ if I said that. So I took a breath and kindly told him where to get off and how many more stops and went back to my reading. A few seconds later, he looked at what I was reading and said "good book." I readily agreed and the best conversation started.

He explained to me that he was in town from Orlando. He then went on to share with me his testimony of how he came back to the church a few years earlier after returning home from the war in Iraq. He had essentially made a deal with God, that if He got him through the war safely, he would go back to church. Well, God did get him and his men home safely, but he did not hold up his end of the deal. Months after returning home, he still hadn't gone to church. Then one day, four completely unrelated people invited him to church. He said that really got his attention so that Sunday, he went to church. God got a hold of him that Sunday and he has been serving Christ ever since.

We talked a lot about what God was doing in our lives...and though I didn't know this guy at all, I found myself sharing with him about Isaiah's death and my struggle with hope and joy ever since. He actually said that his pastor's daughter had just been though the same thing and he asked how I was doing and was incredibly encouraging.

He told me how meeting him on the El' was such an encouragement to him and I readily agreed. As the Addison stop approached, he stood up to exit the train and turned back and said he would be praying for me and left.

Seriously, it was such an uplifting conversation and just what I needed after the tumultuous weeks I had just been through. It was amazing to think that had I not gotten out my Bible, this conversation would never have happened. Good thing, the stubborn girl in me lost to the obedient one that afternoon.

I know he was just a man from Orlando, but to me, he was an angel on the El'. See, CTA isn't always so bad :-)

In

I hit a low point this week when I found out we were going to be sharing what we are thankful for and praises for what God is doing in our lives at our Gospel Community meeting. When I found this out I became very cynical about the whole idea. The thought of everyone sitting around talking about all the great things in their life could not appeal to me less. I honestly thought that other than Matt, I don't have anything to be thankful for. All I could dwell upon was how awful this year has been. Losing Isaiah should have been enough to darken this year, but with the bad news compounding around me, its almost more than I can bear. I even emailed a friend on Thursday and mentioned that it felt like God doesn't even like me.

Ridiculous! Thankfully my friend pointed out that this was clearly Satan toying with me and I just needed to yell at him to get away and cry out to God to start filling my heart with his love and his truth again.

I wish I could say that I feel all better, but I don't. But I am simply refusing to let my thoughts be clouded by these negative and ridiculous thoughts. I am realizing more and more than even though I am not feeling the love of God right now that I need to put feelings aside and remain firmly grounded in His truths. He is good and I know He loves me more than I can ever imagine. Even if that were the only good thing in my life, that should be enough. He is enough!

As I pondered my terrible attitude this week, a verse kept popping in my head:

Be joyful always, pray continually and give thanks in all circumstances for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." 1st Thessalonians 5:16-18.

In all circumstances...ouch. When I first read this, I thought this was just cruel. How could God possibly ask me to be thankful when all of these horrid things were happening to us and those we dearly love around us? But that's when the Holy Spirit highlighted a key word for me, "in." I know what you are thinking...she has lost it completely, but really the word "in" made the difference for me. At first I was reading this verse as though it said be thankful "for" all circumstances. Well of course I am not thankful that my son died, that my cousin died, that another cousin is battling a terrifying disease and the many other hard things we are facing, but I can find ways to be thankful "in" these circumstances. I can be thankful for great doctors, dear friends, an amazingly supportive husband, loving family, provision....

Wow, when I start to list the things I am thankful for, its almost hard to stop. God is so good and it feels so good to think of these good things rather than dwell on the negatives.

May you too find the peace of dwelling on the things you can be thankful for in the "ins" of your circumstances.

Unredeemed

Whew, a new week is here! I know it will still be a tough week as I along with my family grieve the loss of my cousin Nathan, but after all the happenings of last week, a fresh start (even if its only in my mind) seems wonderful.

Here's an update to a few of the things I shared about last week and some ways you can be praying. Last week was simply too much for me and my friends and family to handle on our own, but I am fully confident that God can and will work in each of these situations.

Guy (my cousin who was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer) - I have not heard if he was able to get into any experimental treatments yet. Please continue to pray for his physical healing and that his friends and family would be an encouragement to him as he faces this awful diagnosis.

Grant and Lois (the couple that lost their baby) - After some health complications, Lois and Grant were able to return home. Please pray for Lois' physical healing as well as both of their emotional healing as their come to terms with the loss of their precious son.

Our car - Praise God! The other driver accepted full liability and she has good insurance. We have not yet heard the extent of the needed repairs on our car, but its just a car. Either we will fix it or we will get a new one. After all that happened last week, a car doesn't seem like that big of a deal.

The loss of my cousin Nathan - Please continue to pray for my family - especially Nate's parents as we grieve this loss.

My own contentment - Surprisingly through all of this, contentment about my own situation has come a lot easier. Its hard to dwell on your own problems when you realize there is so much else going on around you. That doesn't down play what Matt and I went through, it just makes me realize that we are not the only ones who face suffering. I would love to honor Isaiah by sharing some of the love and comfort I received in the wake of his loss with those suffering around me.

Finally, I wanted to share a song that my sweet sister-in-law Laura reminded me of. She originally heard it at Isaiah's memorial service but it seems so fitting regarding the events of last week.

Unredeemed- by Selah

The cruelest world
The coldest heart
The deepest wound
The endless dark
The lonely ache
The burning tears
The bitter nights
The wasted years

Life breaks and falls apart
But we know these are
Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled
It may be unrestored
But when anything that's shattered is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see
It will not be unredeemed

For every choice that led to shame
And all the love that never came
For every vow that someone broke
And every lie that gave up hope

We live in the shadow of the fall
But the cross says these are all
Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
It may be unfulfilled
It may be unrestored
But when anything that's shattered is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see
It will not be unredeemed

You will be missed!

Below is a sweet note that my grandmother wrote to my cousin Nathan. It breaks my heart to hear the pain and longing behind her words, but its wonderful to relive all of the fun memories from when we were kids.

Nathan,

I will always remember you as a beautiful towheaded baby, who grew into a wonderful little boy who enjoyed life very much.

My favorite memories are of all the Holiday's, Birthdays, Easter Eggs hunts, Christmas Parties, Vacations, all your growing up markers from the kindergarten graduation on.

Life was simple back when Tammy was babysitting all the Grandchildren and brings wonderful memories of you playing with Nick and your cousins in the backyard pool, where all the boy's added strength to their bodies as the wrestled, dunked each other in play!!

I especially remember that you and Kenny introduced all my family to the wonderful Lake at Bull Shoals!!!! I appreciate all the hours on the Bayliner as we watched the babies grow.

It was great fun, watching you learn to skim over the water in the tube, later the knee board (I'll never forget the day you learned to do the 360 and did it about a dozen times in a row) and water skis.

Later Erika became your water buddy as you had a friendly competition with water skills!! It was great time in their and all our lives.

It was always fun to remember all the Grandchildren playing at the dock, fishing, running Jumping in the Lake, Eating, feeding the fish. You loved it all. You especially loved fruit, peaches in particular and I always tried to have some sliced for you every year. You always appreciated it so. We had wonderful days, Watching the children take turns at the end of the rope as we spent countless hours on the Lake. Who could ever forget you climbing on the rocks, jumping from T Rex, all of us hanging in the water while all Grandchildren played with whatever was handy, water guns, water balls.

I remember the long rides to Bull Shoals, with you in the back of the van, helping you with your lessons, so you would not get behind in school. You were a lucky boy to have your parents spend so many hours nurturing you growing up.

I know you were a troubled teen, but I prefer not to dwell on those memories. What I remember is your sweetness with Dad and I, how you always seemed happy to see us where ever, how you grew to make such a strong young man, his blond hair turned curly, how he became a Grizzly Adams. look alike. So Handsome!!!

It seems, impossible that when you were on the cusp of growing up and getting it altogether that you are gone! It will be a hard week for everyone and I'm looking forward to you getting home, so we can all Hug you and share your loss!

Love,

Grandma Deana


We love you Nathan. You will be sorely missed, but we will always treasure the happy memories of you in our hearts.

Ridiculous

What a week it has been!

Earlier this week, I found out that my cousin, Guy's cancer spread all over his body. He is just a month older than me. Our moms were pregnant with us at the same time. I still remember going to visit grandma or the cabin with him when we were kids. To think that he has to face this horrible diagnosis at such a young age is just a shock.

Then, I found out that a woman who used to attend our church - who had a pregnancy full of complications, but had made it to 29 weeks, developed pre-eclampsia and had to be delivered early. After two full days of labor, she lost her baby boy at the moment he was born. Though it didn't really make me relive our loss, it did make me think of how shattering those early days were. I remember thinking that no one should ever have to feel that way - and here they were facings these emotions.

On Thursday night, Matt and I were in a car accident. Thankfully both of us were ok, but our car was pretty damaged.

Then on Friday, my good friend from small group found out her husband lost his job. She is a stay-at-home mom, so he was the sole earner and they are facing some very large bills.

As a culmination of this awful week, I received a call from my aunt on Saturday afternoon and she informed me that my cousin Nathan was found dead. Nathan is a few years younger than me and after the news of my other cousin's cancer this was just too much.

In the early days of my own loss, I kept reminding myself that life is just not fair, but this seemed ridiculous. Really God? Why so much in just one week? There is just so much sadness and heartache in this world. Why would God allow all of this?

I wish I could say that I had an easy answer to all of these questions, but alas I do not. The only comfort I have found is to realize that this is not how God intended things to be. In this fallen world, I know we will encounter sickness and disease and heartache and death and so much more. But one glorious day, God will come back and restore creation to the way it should be. On that day,

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." - Revelation 21:4