I have been taking a bit of a blogging break for the past few months, but its because I have been trying prevent myself from spilling the beans. I am pregnant - just over 16 weeks along. This little one is due September 12th (although we may end up being induced a little early). This pregnancy has been a bit of an emotional roller coaster for both Matt and I. We are excited and have been truly amazed at God's timing. We found out I was pregnant on New Year's Eve. I wasn't sure if I was pregnant or not, but New Year's is a popular night for enjoying a few drinks and glasses of Champagne. I decided to take a test just in case and was shocked to discover it was positive. We had already been looking forward to putting 2010 behind us and this exciting news was the perfect way to start the New Year. We did end up attending a party at my friends house that evening, where I discovered that drinking only the mix for Margaritas is just plain gross!
The early weeks were terrifying as I felt so similar to how I felt when I found out about my miscarriage. My first appointment was the afternoon of the start of the blizzard here in Chicago. I was so anxious to find out if the baby was ok and I was worried they would close my doctor's office due to the storm. I called and they promised to stay open, so I prepared myself to face the storm. Matt and I both tried grabbing a cab from our offices to the doctor's on the other side of town, but traffic was at a standstill and Matt couldn't even catch a cab. We found ourselves trudging through the piles of snow and holding each other down so we wouldn't fly away in the winds, but I was not going to miss that appointment! Thankfully we got to see our little (at that point, really little!) baby swimming around on the screen with a strong heartbeat. It was wonderful. To make that day even more powerful, it was the day before Isaiah's birthday. We found ourselves with something to be excited about on what could have been a really hard day.
The weeks since then have still been filled with a bit of anxiety. I had a bleeding scare around week 13 which put us back on heightened anxiety, but thankfully everything appears to be going well. I had my 16 week appt on Tuesday. Since I was feeling nervous, my doctor did an extra ultrasound so we got to see the baby wiggling around. It was amazing!
I don't know that our anxiety about this pregnancy will go away until we are holding this little one in our arms. I have to be honest that we have found ourselves a little annoyed at the people that have been overly thrilled and congratulatory about this pregnancy. I know they are well meaning, but its a bit hard to swallow when we are feeling such a mix of anxiety and joy. Please be patient with us - especially when we don't sound as excited as a lot of people do when they announce they are pregnant. What means the most to us right now are those that say they are happy for us and then offer to pray for us and our little one. It is through lots and lots of praying for this baby that Matt and I are learning to trust God in a new and deeper way and I am slowly, and I mean very slowly, learning to cast my anxious thoughts on him.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. - Philippians 4:6
3/30/11
2/3/11
Happy Birthday Isaiah!
Dear Isaiah,
Today marks one year since I got to gaze upon your sweet face and hold you in my arms. I miss you more than words can express. I wish that I was planning your birthday party, decorating the house with balloons and baking you your first birthday cake. I bet you would have been messy like me and gotten it all over yourself. You would have looked so cute. My heart breaks that I don't get to share the special memories with you, but I rest in knowing that you are having the most incredible birthday in heaven.
Know that mommy and daddy love you so much!
Happy Birthday!!
Mom
Today marks one year since I got to gaze upon your sweet face and hold you in my arms. I miss you more than words can express. I wish that I was planning your birthday party, decorating the house with balloons and baking you your first birthday cake. I bet you would have been messy like me and gotten it all over yourself. You would have looked so cute. My heart breaks that I don't get to share the special memories with you, but I rest in knowing that you are having the most incredible birthday in heaven.
Know that mommy and daddy love you so much!
Happy Birthday!!
Mom
Not what I expected...
Honestly I had been dreading yesterday for the last few weeks. February 2nd, the anniversary of the day I found out my sweet boy had gone to heaven. I have to say, 2.2.10 was the hardest day of my life. So much sadness and fear were wrapped up into one day. It was utterly shattering to find out his heart had stopped after just feeling him move the night before, and the terror of having to give birth to his lifeless body was more than I could bear. I know it sounds silly, but at the time, I remember thinking, "I can't do this. I haven't even been to my birthing classes. This just isn't possible." Unfortunately, class or no class, I didn't have a choice. But thanks to a wonderful doctor and some incredibly supportive friends, I made it through the day.
I was afraid that yesterday, the anniversary of that fateful day, would cause me to go beyond remembering and relive the shattering emotions. Matt and I knew that we wanted to mark the day...but we also wanted to keep our minds busy so we volunteered at a local christian charity.
Well, our plans were thwarted. Yesterday (and the night before) was one of the biggest blizzards Chicago had ever experienced. Everything shut down...including the organization we had planned on volunteering at. Though for a moment, I panicked about having to face the whole day stuck in my house, my fear was quickly replaced with a childlike excitement about the snow day. After the gale force winds off of Lake Michigan died down, the snow in our neighborhood was incredibly beautiful to look at. As the peaceful blanket of white covered up the previously muddy streets and sidewalks, I was reminded how God can wash the muck of our lives - all the shame, the sorrows, the pain, the sins, etc - as white as snow. HE makes all things new!
I kept looking out our window with childlike wonder until after lunch Matt and I decided to don our snow gear and venture out on a walk through this winter wonderland. The sights we saw were simply amazing, but my favorite was a walk on the beach by our house. The powerful winds and snow created a scene like I had never seen before.
I was afraid that yesterday, the anniversary of that fateful day, would cause me to go beyond remembering and relive the shattering emotions. Matt and I knew that we wanted to mark the day...but we also wanted to keep our minds busy so we volunteered at a local christian charity.
Well, our plans were thwarted. Yesterday (and the night before) was one of the biggest blizzards Chicago had ever experienced. Everything shut down...including the organization we had planned on volunteering at. Though for a moment, I panicked about having to face the whole day stuck in my house, my fear was quickly replaced with a childlike excitement about the snow day. After the gale force winds off of Lake Michigan died down, the snow in our neighborhood was incredibly beautiful to look at. As the peaceful blanket of white covered up the previously muddy streets and sidewalks, I was reminded how God can wash the muck of our lives - all the shame, the sorrows, the pain, the sins, etc - as white as snow. HE makes all things new!
I kept looking out our window with childlike wonder until after lunch Matt and I decided to don our snow gear and venture out on a walk through this winter wonderland. The sights we saw were simply amazing, but my favorite was a walk on the beach by our house. The powerful winds and snow created a scene like I had never seen before.
Between the amazing snow day, the incredibly sweet messages I received from so many friends and family, and the countless prayers of so many, I got through yesterday, and you know what, it was actually a good day! I remembered my sweet boy, Isaiah, but not with tears...with a smile.
1/20/11
It's been a while!
I can’t believe it’s been a month since I have posted. Time just seems to slip away, but thankfully, it’s because Matt and I have been busy with fun things.
We had a wonderful Christmas and New Year’s spending time with friends and family and we took some time off just to hang out at home together.
The New Year has kicked off with bang and we have found ourselves busy with lots of fun activities, including visiting my grandma in TN this past weekend. We had a great time with her and I just love visiting the South. The pace of life is slower, the accents are fabulous and the weather is a bit warmer...just hold the gizzards and turnip greens!
I am thankful for the fun busyness of life right now. For so much of the past year, I have felt so stunned by grief that I felt like I was wading through life in slow motion - although, time has flown by at the same time. What a time warp! I can't believe that it is only two weeks until the one year anniversary of Isaiah's birth and death. One year. Crazy!
We are trying to find a special way to mark the day…or days in our case. It’s a little confusing when you consider we found out he passed away on the second, but he wasn’t born until the third. It feels like we actually need to mark both days…not to let them just slip by with the normal busyness of work and home.
I anticipate that the second will actually be the harder of the two days…as it was last year. The sudden shock of finding out was simply shattering and I fear that I will relive some of the memories of that painful day. Matt and I have decided that we want to volunteer somewhere for the day…with a twofold goal in mind. First, we want to mark the day by giving back to the community in honor of our son. We were so loved and so cared for from the earliest hours of our loss and giving back, serving others just feels right. Secondly, we think this will help keep our hands and minds busy so we don’t have too much time to sit and wallow – although I am sure there will be a bit of that.
We feel like the third, Isaiah’s birthday, should be more of a celebration of our son. Though we have so many sad memories around his death, we have wonderful memories from when I was pregnant with him and treasure the profound impact he had on others even in his death. So in honor of his birthday, we are going to make a fun dinner and birthday cake and celebrate. I may even have to have Chipotle for lunch that day – that was his favorite when I was pregnant.
It seems so strange to be finding a way to mark days of loss but it just feels right. This is the last difficult firsts we have to wade through this year – we have already made it through our due date, a myriad of first holidays he should have been at, birthdays and other important days. God has so lovingly walked with us through this hard first year and I know he will be with us through these tough days.
We had a wonderful Christmas and New Year’s spending time with friends and family and we took some time off just to hang out at home together.
The New Year has kicked off with bang and we have found ourselves busy with lots of fun activities, including visiting my grandma in TN this past weekend. We had a great time with her and I just love visiting the South. The pace of life is slower, the accents are fabulous and the weather is a bit warmer...just hold the gizzards and turnip greens!
I am thankful for the fun busyness of life right now. For so much of the past year, I have felt so stunned by grief that I felt like I was wading through life in slow motion - although, time has flown by at the same time. What a time warp! I can't believe that it is only two weeks until the one year anniversary of Isaiah's birth and death. One year. Crazy!
We are trying to find a special way to mark the day…or days in our case. It’s a little confusing when you consider we found out he passed away on the second, but he wasn’t born until the third. It feels like we actually need to mark both days…not to let them just slip by with the normal busyness of work and home.
I anticipate that the second will actually be the harder of the two days…as it was last year. The sudden shock of finding out was simply shattering and I fear that I will relive some of the memories of that painful day. Matt and I have decided that we want to volunteer somewhere for the day…with a twofold goal in mind. First, we want to mark the day by giving back to the community in honor of our son. We were so loved and so cared for from the earliest hours of our loss and giving back, serving others just feels right. Secondly, we think this will help keep our hands and minds busy so we don’t have too much time to sit and wallow – although I am sure there will be a bit of that.
We feel like the third, Isaiah’s birthday, should be more of a celebration of our son. Though we have so many sad memories around his death, we have wonderful memories from when I was pregnant with him and treasure the profound impact he had on others even in his death. So in honor of his birthday, we are going to make a fun dinner and birthday cake and celebrate. I may even have to have Chipotle for lunch that day – that was his favorite when I was pregnant.
It seems so strange to be finding a way to mark days of loss but it just feels right. This is the last difficult firsts we have to wade through this year – we have already made it through our due date, a myriad of first holidays he should have been at, birthdays and other important days. God has so lovingly walked with us through this hard first year and I know he will be with us through these tough days.
12/20/10
A New Day!
Yesterday, Matt and I celebrated Christmas early with my mom since we will be spending Christmas day with Matt's family. We had a blast playing games and talking and laughing. Matt made us Coq au Vin. It was wonderful, but I am not sure how any recipe that calls for brandy, wine, and bacon could be any less than wonderful. We opened gifts as well, and included in my stocking was a new calendar for my purse. This is a bit of a tradition. My mom has been giving me a new calendar since I was a young kid. Every year, I have looked forward to flipping though my calendar from the previous year, reminiscing about all the things I have done and transferring birthdays and holidays and such to my new calendar.
Today, I had a little time left in my lunch hour so I held my annual "transferring of the calendars." Though there were plenty of fun things like movie nights and coffee dates with friends and dinners with my husband, my calendar from this last year was marked with sadness. Dates of funerals and burials. Markings of trips to visit injured or sick friends and family. Anniversaries of the passing of my son.
After transferring significant dates, I got the overwhelming sense that I was done being consumed with the sadness of last year. Will I forget what this past year has held...absolutely not. Have the deep wounds of my heart healed...not totally and I don't think they ever will be healed completely this side of eternity. But I have had enough of marking my days by sadness and grief.
There is something so freeing about transferring the important dates of life into a new fresh calendar and just leaving behind the tragic days. So in honor of my birthday tomorrow and a fresh start on my own calendar, at the end of lunch today, with all my might, I chucked my calendar from last year into the trash. I will not forget the lessons that I have learned. I will always carry the scars and bittersweet memories of this year, but God is showing me that I can move forward with the hope I have in him. Am I naive enough to think the future will be nothing but happiness and roses? No. But if I have learned anything from this year, its that my hope and joy is not based on the circumstances of this life. It is based on the Solid Rock of my faith. No matter what comes my way, He will be there to walk through it with me.
" Do not look forward to the changes and chances of this life in fear; rather look to them with full hope that, as they arise, God, whose you are, will deliver you out of them. He is your Keeper. He has kept you hitherto. Hold fast to his dear hand, and he will lead you safely through all things; and, when you cannot stand, he will bear you in his arms. Do not look forward to what may happen tomorrow. Our Father will either shield you from suffering, or he will give you strength to bear it."
Today, I had a little time left in my lunch hour so I held my annual "transferring of the calendars." Though there were plenty of fun things like movie nights and coffee dates with friends and dinners with my husband, my calendar from this last year was marked with sadness. Dates of funerals and burials. Markings of trips to visit injured or sick friends and family. Anniversaries of the passing of my son.
After transferring significant dates, I got the overwhelming sense that I was done being consumed with the sadness of last year. Will I forget what this past year has held...absolutely not. Have the deep wounds of my heart healed...not totally and I don't think they ever will be healed completely this side of eternity. But I have had enough of marking my days by sadness and grief.
There is something so freeing about transferring the important dates of life into a new fresh calendar and just leaving behind the tragic days. So in honor of my birthday tomorrow and a fresh start on my own calendar, at the end of lunch today, with all my might, I chucked my calendar from last year into the trash. I will not forget the lessons that I have learned. I will always carry the scars and bittersweet memories of this year, but God is showing me that I can move forward with the hope I have in him. Am I naive enough to think the future will be nothing but happiness and roses? No. But if I have learned anything from this year, its that my hope and joy is not based on the circumstances of this life. It is based on the Solid Rock of my faith. No matter what comes my way, He will be there to walk through it with me.
" Do not look forward to the changes and chances of this life in fear; rather look to them with full hope that, as they arise, God, whose you are, will deliver you out of them. He is your Keeper. He has kept you hitherto. Hold fast to his dear hand, and he will lead you safely through all things; and, when you cannot stand, he will bear you in his arms. Do not look forward to what may happen tomorrow. Our Father will either shield you from suffering, or he will give you strength to bear it."
- Saint Francis de Sales.
12/3/10
My crowning achievement...
The crowning achievement of my day was finding a home for these two cuties:
I don't know that its possible to be in a bad mood while looking at those sweet faces. Trust me, if I didn't already have 2 cats (that I love) and a tight 800 square foot condo, these lovelies would be coming home with me! But I am thrilled to know that they will have a great home with an awesome couple that is so excited to welcome them! (and that I can visit and play with them :-) )
Joy
Thankfully the tears and grief of yesterday morning have given way to an almost childlike giddiness and joy today. Some might call that an epic mood swing but I call it an answer to prayer! Seriously. Just this morning at Bible study with the ladies of my gospel community, I mentioned that I have had a hard time lately - especially in light of the holidays. I asked for prayer that I would have joy for this Christmas season. I was expecting it a little closer to Christmas, but I will take it today!
May your weekend and your holiday preparations be full of moments of laughter and joy - a joy that is rooted in the real meaning of Christmas - that God's love for us is so vast that he would send his only Son to earth to redeem us to himself. What more reason do you need to be giddy?
I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have the power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
-Ephesians 3: 14-19
May your weekend and your holiday preparations be full of moments of laughter and joy - a joy that is rooted in the real meaning of Christmas - that God's love for us is so vast that he would send his only Son to earth to redeem us to himself. What more reason do you need to be giddy?
I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have the power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
-Ephesians 3: 14-19
12/2/10
Today
2 years ago today, I sat in the ultrasound room and found out I would miscarry my first little one.
10 months ago today, I sat in the ultrasound room and found out Isaiah's heart had stopped beating.
1 month ago today, cancer took my cousins life.
In general, I am doing better. I am sleeping consistently through the night. I am spending more time laughing with and treasuring my friends and family. I am finding more hope and more joy in each day. I am closer to my husband than I ever could have imagined. My faith is taking deeper, more meaningful roots.
Despite these wonderful changes, some days are still tough.
Today my heart aches for what was lost and what could have been...
10 months ago today, I sat in the ultrasound room and found out Isaiah's heart had stopped beating.
1 month ago today, cancer took my cousins life.
In general, I am doing better. I am sleeping consistently through the night. I am spending more time laughing with and treasuring my friends and family. I am finding more hope and more joy in each day. I am closer to my husband than I ever could have imagined. My faith is taking deeper, more meaningful roots.
Despite these wonderful changes, some days are still tough.
Today my heart aches for what was lost and what could have been...
11/18/10
TGFF!
No, my title is not a typo. While I do love Fridays, what I am thankful for today is friends.
I have found myself in another hard place the last couple weeks. After another young cousin's death, frustrations at Matt's work, and many other small irritations, I am just feeling beat up. That combined with the fact that while we still long for another child, I have found myself surrounded by newly pregnant friends and family and friends with more young children than I can count. Don't get me wrong, I am really happy for these other people, but as a friend said, "Its not that I am not happy for them, I am just more sad for me." I know that sounds selfish,but it is one nasty part of grief and longing that I still struggle with deeply.
Yet in the midst of these struggles, I have friends (yes, even ones with beautiful small children) that breathe such truth into my life and remind me that my worth is not based in my fertility.
Last weekend, a great friend and her husband, came to visit. Though we don't get to see each other in person often, we email back and forth so much that I forget we are separated by 400 miles. Yet, for this weekend, we got to be together and we had a blast. On Friday, she and her husband took us out for an AMAZING dinner. I am pretty sure we consumed about a weeks worth of protein and cheeses (Actually we did. We calculated it at the Museum of Science and Industry on Saturday.), but it was so yummy. And we topped it off with chocolate fondue for dessert. Two pots of warm delicious chocolate....I was in heaven.
Then we had a blast on Saturday touring the Museum of Science and Industry, eating Italian beef, playing hours of games while laughing and talking, drinking lots of wine and eating even more junk food. Even though it was a calorific weekend, it was so much fun and it reminded me that even though I don't have any living children with me...or in the foreseeable future, there are still things (and people) that I love.
Here's a shot of us getting ready for our amazing, calorific dinner.
I have found myself in another hard place the last couple weeks. After another young cousin's death, frustrations at Matt's work, and many other small irritations, I am just feeling beat up. That combined with the fact that while we still long for another child, I have found myself surrounded by newly pregnant friends and family and friends with more young children than I can count. Don't get me wrong, I am really happy for these other people, but as a friend said, "Its not that I am not happy for them, I am just more sad for me." I know that sounds selfish,but it is one nasty part of grief and longing that I still struggle with deeply.
Yet in the midst of these struggles, I have friends (yes, even ones with beautiful small children) that breathe such truth into my life and remind me that my worth is not based in my fertility.
Last weekend, a great friend and her husband, came to visit. Though we don't get to see each other in person often, we email back and forth so much that I forget we are separated by 400 miles. Yet, for this weekend, we got to be together and we had a blast. On Friday, she and her husband took us out for an AMAZING dinner. I am pretty sure we consumed about a weeks worth of protein and cheeses (Actually we did. We calculated it at the Museum of Science and Industry on Saturday.), but it was so yummy. And we topped it off with chocolate fondue for dessert. Two pots of warm delicious chocolate....I was in heaven.
Then we had a blast on Saturday touring the Museum of Science and Industry, eating Italian beef, playing hours of games while laughing and talking, drinking lots of wine and eating even more junk food. Even though it was a calorific weekend, it was so much fun and it reminded me that even though I don't have any living children with me...or in the foreseeable future, there are still things (and people) that I love.
Here's a shot of us getting ready for our amazing, calorific dinner.
Then, yesterday, I met with another dear friend for coffee in the morning. After catching up a bit, we were talking about how I was dealing with a few things surrounding losing Isaiah and my longings for the future. I got a little choked up because I really have been struggling recently. In her tender, supportive way, she didn't make me feel bad or awkward for tearing up. I shared with her how in the midst of my prayers lately, I have been trying to focus on praying more for God's will than my specific plan. Of course, I still tell God the desires of my heart, but I am slowly (very slowly some days) learning to trust that God has a beautiful plan that will be for his glory and my best. Even though it doesn't always feel like it, I would rather get on board with that plan than try to devise my own.
To pray like that is scary though. What if I don't get what I want? Again, I know that sounds selfish...and it is, but that's honestly how I have felt. Then she shared a beautiful insight with me. Remember that night before Jesus' crucifixion, where he is praying in the garden. After wrestling in prayer he says, "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will but yours be done." Now that's where most of us stop and think, "Now that's real faith and trust. That's how we all need to pray." While there's truth in that, my friend pointed out that we shouldn't stop there - the next verse is so powerful. "An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him." The answer to his prayer was that the cup would not be taken from him, yet God would give him the strength to face it. Isn't that beautiful?! God could have said, "Nope, sorry. You are stuck with it. Good luck!" No, God lovingly gave him the strength he would need to get through.
Whether God chooses to answer my prayers, with "Yes," "No," or "Not now," I trust that he will give me the strength I need to face whatever comes. That thought hasn't completely lifted the weight I have been under for the past few weeks, but it gives me great encouragement to know, God will give me the strength I need to lift it. I don't have to do this on my own. Whew!
Its so beautiful to see how God uses my friendships to speak truth and love into my life. I have been blessed with some wonderful friends, and for that I am thankful!
11/4/10
If you could see me now
This week, my family suffered another terrible loss. My cousin Tyler, who is just months older than me passed away after an agonizing battle with Melanoma. So young...so sad. I wish I could think of the perfect words as a tribute to my cousin, but alas there are no words to capture what he meant to our family and to me. What I treasured about him was how present, how loving he was when I saw him. Because my dad left when I was just a baby and created an awkward strain on me and his family, I only go home to visit about once or so every year. Yet every time that I would go home, and get to see Tyler, I remember how he was always happy to see me and made me feel so loved and cared about. I will treasure the conversations I had with him and the times that we spent together.
I am sad that he suffered so greatly in his last days. As devastated as I am that he is gone, I find real hope in the fact that for those in Christ, death is a victory.
The song that I mentioned in my last blog, capture this hope that we have.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bFOdA52sjFA&safety_mode=true&persist_safety_mode=1
We love you Tyler! You will be missed, but we wish we could see you now!
I am sad that he suffered so greatly in his last days. As devastated as I am that he is gone, I find real hope in the fact that for those in Christ, death is a victory.
The song that I mentioned in my last blog, capture this hope that we have.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bFOdA52sjFA&safety_mode=true&persist_safety_mode=1
We love you Tyler! You will be missed, but we wish we could see you now!
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