Matt and I went out to visit the "property" after church today. We were lamenting on how surreal this whole situation feels and how this loss seems to have thrown us into this bizarre time warp. Honestly many days, I still feel like I am just trying to survive - to get through the day without crying and try to find some bit of joy. Days crawl by and seem to fly by in a blurr at the same time. We can't believe that it has nearly been 6 months since we kissed our precious son hello and goodbye. It still feels like it was just yesterday and decades ago at the same time. Our whole lives seem like they have been split in two: B.I. and A.I. (before Isaiah and after Isaiah).

In the midst of our time warp, God continues to show His faithfulness so clearly. Though many days I still kick and scream and cry out to him about why my life is what it is, He still won't let me go. He just keeps tangibly showing me signs of His love and goodness. Man, there are some days I just hate that. I want to be mad at God and blame him for everything. To all of my rage, He responds with unfathomable love and gentleness. I don't deserve the grace He gives me, yet I am eternally grateful!

I feel like I hear God clearer lately too. Its amazing how loss, how stripping away earthly joy makes me just lean into God. I love that even in the midst of this valley, He keeps showing me more of Himself, and teaching me how to draw closer to Him.

Over the last week or so, God has pressed a word on my heart.


This thought has really stemmed from a verse I stumbled across in Philippians:

"I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through Him who gives me strength." - Philippians 4: 11b-13

According to the intro to Philippians in my Bible, "In a life dedicated to serving Christ, Paul had faced excruciating poverty, abundant wealth and everything in between. He even wrote this joyful letter from prison. Whatever the circumstances, Paul had learned to be content, finding real joy as he focused all of his attention and energy on knowing Christ and obeying him."

Wow, I want that. Honestly, my life has been plagued by a lot of sadness, fear and jealousy lately. Sadness, that I will never see my boy this side of eternity, fear that I will never get pregnant again and give birth to a live child, and jealousy of those that do. I have to admit that is not a fun place to be. I keep trying to fight these feelings on my own, but I am learning that I can't. I need Jesus to fight this fight for me!

I desperately want Him to be my All in All. No matter the circumstances that come into my life He will still be God. He is still good and I want to trust in His goodness. I trust that He has a plan for my life and it is for my good and His glory. I may not understand how or why it unfolds as it does, but I trust that it is good. The more I think of that, the more that my fears go away. I pray that one day I will give birth to a healthy child, but even if I don't, God is still God and His plan for my life is still good.

I say this all but I have to admit that it is not with unwavering certainty. This is a day by day thing. Every day, I have to wake up, hand God my bundle of grief and sin and insecurities and ask Him to show me His goodness and His glory and ask Him to help me to trust in Him more. Daily I have to invite him to be my All in All.

You are my strength when I am weak
You are the treasure that I seek
You are my All in All
Seeking you as a precious jewel,
Lord to give up, I'd be a fool.
You are my All in All

Jesus, Lamb of God,
Worthy is your name.
Jesus, Holy Lamb of God,
Worthy is your name!

Taking my sin, my cross, my shame,
Rising again, I bless your name.
You are my All in All.
When I fall down you pick me up
When I am dry you fill my cup.
You are my all in all

©1991 Shepherd's Heart Music, Inc.
Words and Music by Dennis Jernigan

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