Old Jeans, New Me

Today I reached a wonderful milestone - I fit into my pre-pregnancy jeans. They are a bit snug, but I'm in! I know that seams like a rather shallow milestone considering all that has happened but there is something so healing about fitting into my old clothes. I treasured all of the changes that my body took on during my pregnancy with Isaiah. I was not a woman that feared gaining a few healthy pounds, but in the wake of his loss, the physical reminder was so hard to bear. And on top of that physical reminder, it just took a toll on my self esteem. I have felt utterly shattered emotionally and then to feel unattractive physically just added insult to injury.

Its just amazing how fitting into old jeans can lift my spirits. I am finding that lots of little things have been lifting my spirits lately and that is a welcome change. The sunshine on my face, the beautiful flowers that are blooming throughout the neighborhood, sweet conversations with amazing friends, and spending lazy afternoons with my husband has brought me little glimpses of joy that I have missed in the last two months.

I still long to hold Isaiah in my arms more than words can express, but I treasure the fact that I can embrace this longing while still experiencing moments of joy. I know that each day and sometimes each moment will be different and at times this joy will be hard to find, so I want to treasure the moments of joy that I have.

So while I slide into my old jeans, I feel like a new me. A me that has experienced unthinkable tragedy yet has learned to celebrate the little joys of life.

Weeping my last for a night, but joy comes with the morning. - Psalm 30:5