Loving September

Whew...the last few weeks have just flown by! We have been busy, but thankfully its been a month of fun and mostly good news!

Our month started with a fun dinner with the Bhutanese refugee family we have been working with.We have had a great time learning about their lives and their culture and we have been helping them get acclimated to life in America. We decided to introduce them to Mexican food that night.

I am not so sure what they thought about the food, but the sure did love our cats.

Then we headed up to MN to spend Labor Day weekend with Matt's family. The weather was beautiful and we had a blast playing games and hanging out together. The girls even took on the guys in a battle of the sexes bowling event. Unfortunately, the ladies lost - my horrid 50-something-score definitely did not help (Man I am a terrible bowler!). But we had a great time none the less.

Here's the ladies ready to take on the guys. We may not have the scores the guys did, but at least we looked cute losing :)

Then the next weekend, I headed up to Lake Geneva with for Missio Dei's 1st annual retreat. We had an amazing time hanging out in a beautiful spot and studying God's Redeeming Love for us. It was amazing. I did bring my camera but was having so much fun I forgot to take pictures once I got up there. I did manage to capture some shots on the way up. Since we wanted to make sure we had a true Wisconsin trip, we stopped at the brat stop where we had way to much fun and ate way to many calories (but I am determined that calories don't count on a girl's weekend anyway!)

Then during that week, I got some great news. My mom, who has been looking for a job for a bit, found a great job in a suburb near where Matt and I live. I am excited for her and I am excited to live fairly close to my mom - which we really haven't since I was in high school.

Then this past weekend we headed back up to MN for Matt's cousin's wedding. It was fun to get to see the family again for such a happy event.

The month so far has had many other fun events mixed in, and after months mixed with so much sadness and bad news, some fun and good news feels awesome.

Hit like a ton of bricks

I have actually been feeling pretty well the last couple of weeks. I would even go so far to say that I felt a bit like my old self, but that's not true. My old self is gone. Not that I don't still enjoy some of the same things, I just know that I will never look at life post-Isaiah the same. Part of that just stinks. I want to be naively happy again, but the larger part of me is grateful. I appreciate things much more deeply than I did before. I know what it is to feel indescribable pain and survive...that's even a little empowering. And Matt and I have grown so much closer to each other and to God. That piece of this whole mess is just phenomenal. But for the last couple of the weeks, the world hasn't felt as heavy.

That was until today. This morning I started going about my day like normal. As I sat down at my desk to prepare for a meeting, I looked at the calendar...August 2nd. Exactly 7 months since my life changed forever. I remember preparing for this same meeting that fateful day...not knowing that my precious child float lifelessly in my womb. This moment struck me as terribly odd...I didn't' break down in tears or anything (which is a huge feat for me!), but it just felt weird.

Luckily the morning was busy enough that I had to put these weird feelings aside and continue on my day. That was until I was sitting in another meeting later today. At around 11:15, I was struck by the memory that this was close to the exact time that I received that devastating news. While I sat in that meeting, I relived the most painful moments of my life. I vividly remember the look on the ultrasound technicians face as she threw down the wand and ran out of the room. I remember those agonizing minutes Matt and I sat waiting and wondering what was going on. I remember the frenzied tone of the technician's voice as she came back in to tell us the doctor would be in in just a moment and refused to tell us what was going on. What I can't remember is the exact moment I found out Isaiah's heart had stopped. I remember the screaming moments after we found out. I remember the doctor explaining what we would have to do next, but I can't remember the exact moment she told us. I suppose that's a gift. Who in their right mind would want to remember that, but it strikes me as so odd that I can't remember the most pivotal moment in my life.

The moment passed...again with no tears thankfully and I have been able to go about the rest of my day. I suppose that's life post-tragedy. You have to pick up the pieces and go on. You have to do "normal life." You still have really good days, but at a moments notice, something drags you back to that awful place...those awful memories. Thankfully, you also develop the strength to keep going despite these moments.