I feel like I have been asked this question a thousand times recently. Don't get me wrong, I love that people are willing to continue to support us and show their love and concern, but I have to admit I get sick of this question because it is a really hard one for me to answer. I think most people expect a few short words as a response to that question. Unfortunately, I can't sum up how I am really doing in a few words, so I warn you now, if you want an honest answer to how I am doing, be prepared for a book.
I have made the effort to condense my answers a bit since most people would prefer the cliff notes to the three part epic novel. The best thing I have come up with is to say that everyday is a roller coaster - some days are good - I would even go as far as to say really good - but some days are still so tough.
For those of you that truly do want to know, here's a glimpse into the deeper reality of how I am doing. I truly do feel like I am stuck on a roller coaster. I have had some wonderful moments lately. I am finding the deepest joy in the fact that God seems to be drawing Matt and I so close to Himself. I can't begin to tell you how much it means to me to see how God is working and moving in Matt's life. I continue to see more and more of God's character shine through him and I can feel God drawing us closer together though our love for Him. The conversations we have had, the prayers we have prayed together, the sweet time we have just hanging out together, its simply amazing!
I have also found great joy in spending time with my friends and family. I find that more and more lately, I am able to enjoy myself while I am out doing things with people. I find myself laughing and smiling more often and I am so thankful for that.
But I have to be honest, though things are "better" sometimes, I am still deeply struggling at times too. Every new situation seems to bring the thought that Isaiah should be with us. I also really struggle with jealousy at times. I desire to be a mother to a child here on earth so seeing pregnant women and babies everywhere brings pangs of longing. I find myself wondering why I don't deserve to be a mother like these other women? What's wrong with me? I know this is not true and I have to fight these thoughts with God's truth. Still as strong as I try to be, my heart and arms ache with emptiness and my mind spins as I try to answer the never ending why's in my head. Why me? Why us? Why Isaiah? I have thought to myself many a time that when I get to heaven I have some questions for God. He better help me understand this!
Matt has really helped me deal with this desire to get answers from God. He was listening to a podcast of one of our favorite pastors. The pastor began by reading from Isaiah 6: 1-5
In the year that Kind Uzziah died, I saw the Lord seated on a throne, high and exalted, and the train of his robe filled the temple. Above him were seraphs, each with six wings: With two wings they covered their faces , with two they covered their feet, and with two they were flying. And they were calling to one another:
"Holy, holy, holy is the Lord Almighty;
the whole earth is full of his glory."
At the sound of their voices the doorposts and thresholds shook and the temple was filled with smoke.
Woe to me!" I cried. "I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips , and my eyes have seen the King, the Lord Almighty."
Wow, is all I can say. Can you imagine seeing such a powerful scene? What MAJESTY and AWE!
After reading this portion of scripture, the pastor asked if we were standing in this amazing scene before Almighty God, would we really want to demand any answers from him? Would we really want to share our "beefs" with him? Really?
No! If I were standing there, like Isaiah, I would be totally freaked out. I would also want to throw myself on the ground and cry out "Woe is me! I am unclean and I am gazing upon Almighty God." All the beefs and questions I have will disappear as I gaze upon God's beauty and majesty.
The amazing thing about God is that He is this majestic fear-inspiring God but He is also full of love, grace and compassion. He is truly amazing! Though on this earth, I may never understand why God allowed Isaiah to die, I rest in knowing that God is God and I am not. He may chose to answer some of my questions, or He may ask me to simply trust in His unfailing plan. Whatever He chooses to reveal to me, I am choosing to put Him on the throne of my life, and to Him I cry,
Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord Almighty;
The Whole Earth is filled is his glory!"