Not what I expected...

Honestly I had been dreading yesterday for the last few weeks.  February 2nd, the anniversary of the day I found out my sweet boy had gone to heaven.  I have to say, 2.2.10 was the hardest day of my life.  So much sadness and fear were wrapped up into one day.  It was utterly shattering to find out his heart had stopped after just feeling him move the night before, and the terror of having to give birth to his lifeless body was more than I could bear.  I know it sounds silly, but at the time, I remember thinking, "I can't do this.  I haven't even been to my birthing classes.  This just isn't possible."  Unfortunately, class or no class, I didn't have a choice.  But thanks to a wonderful doctor and some incredibly supportive friends, I made it through the day.

I was afraid that yesterday, the anniversary of that fateful day, would cause me to go beyond remembering and relive the shattering emotions.  Matt and I knew that we wanted to mark the day...but we also wanted to keep our minds busy so we volunteered at a local christian charity.

Well, our plans were thwarted.  Yesterday (and the night before) was one of the biggest blizzards Chicago had ever experienced.  Everything shut down...including the organization we had planned on volunteering at.  Though for a moment, I panicked about having to face the whole day stuck in my house, my fear was quickly replaced with a childlike excitement about the snow day.  After the gale force winds off of Lake Michigan died down, the snow in our neighborhood was incredibly beautiful to look at.  As the peaceful blanket of white covered up the previously muddy streets and sidewalks, I was reminded how God can wash the muck of our lives - all the shame, the sorrows, the pain, the sins, etc - as white as snow.  HE makes all things new!

I kept looking out our window with childlike wonder until after lunch Matt and I decided to don our snow gear and venture out on a walk through this winter wonderland.  The sights we saw were simply amazing, but my favorite was a walk on the beach by our house.  The powerful winds and snow created a scene like I had never seen before.

Between the amazing snow day, the incredibly sweet messages I received from so many friends and family, and the countless prayers of so many, I got through yesterday, and you know what, it was actually a good day!  I remembered my sweet boy, Isaiah, but not with tears...with a smile.

It's been a while!

I can’t believe it’s been a month since I have posted. Time just seems to slip away, but thankfully, it’s because Matt and I have been busy with fun things.

We had a wonderful Christmas and New Year’s spending time with friends and family and we took some time off just to hang out at home together.

The New Year has kicked off with bang and we have found ourselves busy with lots of fun activities, including visiting my grandma in TN this past weekend. We had a great time with her and I just love visiting the South. The pace of life is slower, the accents are fabulous and the weather is a bit warmer...just hold the gizzards and turnip greens!

I am thankful for the fun busyness of life right now. For so much of the past year, I have felt so stunned by grief that I felt like I was wading through life in slow motion - although, time has flown by at the same time. What a time warp! I can't believe that it is only two weeks until the one year anniversary of Isaiah's birth and death. One year. Crazy!

We are trying to find a special way to mark the day…or days in our case. It’s a little confusing when you consider we found out he passed away on the second, but he wasn’t born until the third. It feels like we actually need to mark both days…not to let them just slip by with the normal busyness of work and home.

I anticipate that the second will actually be the harder of the two days…as it was last year. The sudden shock of finding out was simply shattering and I fear that I will relive some of the memories of that painful day. Matt and I have decided that we want to volunteer somewhere for the day…with a twofold goal in mind. First, we want to mark the day by giving back to the community in honor of our son. We were so loved and so cared for from the earliest hours of our loss and giving back, serving others just feels right. Secondly, we think this will help keep our hands and minds busy so we don’t have too much time to sit and wallow – although I am sure there will be a bit of that.

We feel like the third, Isaiah’s birthday, should be more of a celebration of our son. Though we have so many sad memories around his death, we have wonderful memories from when I was pregnant with him and treasure the profound impact he had on others even in his death. So in honor of his birthday, we are going to make a fun dinner and birthday cake and celebrate. I may even have to have Chipotle for lunch that day – that was his favorite when I was pregnant.

It seems so strange to be finding a way to mark days of loss but it just feels right. This is the last difficult firsts we have to wade through this year – we have already made it through our due date, a myriad of first holidays he should have been at, birthdays and other important days. God has so lovingly walked with us through this hard first year and I know he will be with us through these tough days.

A New Day!

Yesterday, Matt and I celebrated Christmas early with my mom since we will be spending Christmas day with Matt's family.  We had a blast playing games and talking and laughing.  Matt made us Coq au Vin.   It was wonderful, but I am not sure how any recipe that calls for brandy, wine, and bacon could be any less than wonderful.  We opened gifts as well, and included in my stocking was a new calendar for my purse.  This is a bit of a tradition.  My mom has been giving me a new calendar since I was a young kid.  Every year, I have looked forward to flipping though my calendar from the previous year, reminiscing about all the things I have done and transferring birthdays and holidays and such to my new calendar. 

Today, I had a little time left in my lunch hour so I held my annual "transferring of the calendars."  Though there were plenty of fun things like movie nights and coffee dates with friends and dinners with my husband, my calendar from this last year was marked with sadness.  Dates of funerals and burials.  Markings of trips to visit injured or sick friends and family.  Anniversaries of the passing of my son. 

After transferring significant dates, I got the overwhelming sense that I was done being consumed with the sadness of last year.  Will I forget what this past year has held...absolutely not.  Have the deep wounds of my heart healed...not totally and I don't think they ever will be healed completely this side of eternity.  But I have had enough of marking my days by sadness and grief.

There is something so freeing about transferring the important dates of life into a new fresh calendar and just leaving behind the tragic days.  So in honor of my birthday tomorrow and a fresh start on my own calendar, at the end of lunch today, with all my might, I chucked my calendar from last year into the trash.  I will not forget the lessons that I have learned.  I will always carry the scars and bittersweet memories of this year, but God is showing me that I can move forward with the hope I have in him.  Am I naive enough to think the future will be nothing but happiness and roses?  No.  But if I have learned anything from this year, its that my hope and joy is not based on the circumstances of this life.  It is based on the Solid Rock of my faith.  No matter what comes my way, He will be there to walk through it with me.

" Do not look forward to the changes and chances of this life in fear; rather look to them with full hope that, as they arise, God, whose you are, will deliver you out of them.  He is your Keeper.  He has kept you hitherto.  Hold fast to his dear hand, and he will lead you safely through all things; and, when you cannot stand, he will bear you in his arms.  Do not look forward to what may happen tomorrow.  Our Father will either shield you from suffering, or he will give you strength to bear it."

- Saint Francis de Sales.

My crowning achievement...

The crowning achievement of my day was finding a home for these two cuties:

I don't know that its possible to be in a bad mood while looking at those sweet faces. Trust me, if I didn't already have 2 cats (that I love) and a tight 800 square foot condo, these lovelies would be coming home with me! But I am thrilled to know that they will have a great home with an awesome couple that is so excited to welcome them! (and that I can visit and play with them :-) )

Joy

Thankfully the tears and grief of yesterday morning have given way to an almost childlike giddiness and joy today.  Some might call that an epic mood swing but I call it an answer to prayer!  Seriously.  Just this morning at Bible study with the ladies of my gospel community, I mentioned that I have had a hard time lately - especially in light of the holidays. I asked for prayer that I would have joy for this Christmas season.  I was expecting it a little closer to Christmas, but I will take it today!

May your weekend and your holiday preparations be full of moments of laughter and joy - a joy that is rooted in the real meaning of Christmas - that God's love for us is so vast that he would send his only Son to earth to redeem us to himself. What more reason do you need to be giddy?


I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have the power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.
-Ephesians 3: 14-19

Today

2 years ago today, I sat in the ultrasound room and found out I would miscarry my first little one.

10 months ago today, I sat in the ultrasound room and found out Isaiah's heart had stopped beating.

1 month ago today, cancer took my cousins life.

In general, I am doing better.  I am sleeping consistently through the night. I am spending more time laughing with and treasuring my friends and family. I am finding more hope and more joy in each day.  I am closer to my husband than I ever could have imagined.  My faith is taking deeper, more meaningful roots.

Despite these wonderful changes, some days are still tough.

Today my heart aches for what was lost and what could have been...

TGFF!

No, my title is not a typo. While I do love Fridays, what I am thankful for today is friends.

I have found myself in another hard place the last couple weeks. After another young cousin's death, frustrations at Matt's work, and many other small irritations, I am just feeling beat up. That combined with the fact that while we still long for another child, I have found myself surrounded by newly pregnant friends and family and friends with more young children than I can count. Don't get me wrong, I am really happy for these other people, but as a friend said, "Its not that I am not happy for them, I am just more sad for me." I know that sounds selfish,but it is one nasty part of grief and longing that I still struggle with deeply.

Yet in the midst of these struggles, I have friends (yes, even ones with beautiful small children) that breathe such truth into my life and remind me that my worth is not based in my fertility.

Last weekend, a great friend and her husband, came to visit. Though we don't get to see each other in person often, we email back and forth so much that I forget we are separated by 400 miles. Yet, for this weekend, we got to be together and we had a blast. On Friday, she and her husband took us out for an AMAZING dinner. I am pretty sure we consumed about a weeks worth of protein and cheeses (Actually we did. We calculated it at the Museum of Science and Industry on Saturday.), but it was so yummy. And we topped it off with chocolate fondue for dessert. Two pots of warm delicious chocolate....I was in heaven.

Then we had a blast on Saturday touring the Museum of Science and Industry, eating Italian beef, playing hours of games while laughing and talking, drinking lots of wine and eating even more junk food. Even though it was a calorific weekend, it was so much fun and it reminded me that even though I don't have any living children with me...or in the foreseeable future, there are still things (and people) that I love.

Here's a shot of us getting ready for our amazing, calorific dinner.

Then, yesterday, I met with another dear friend for coffee in the morning. After catching up a bit, we were talking about how I was dealing with a few things surrounding losing Isaiah and my longings for the future. I got a little choked up because I really have been struggling recently. In her tender, supportive way, she didn't make me feel bad or awkward for tearing up. I shared with her how in the midst of my prayers lately, I have been trying to focus on praying more for God's will than my specific plan. Of course, I still tell God the desires of my heart, but I am slowly (very slowly some days) learning to trust that God has a beautiful plan that will be for his glory and my best. Even though it doesn't always feel like it, I would rather get on board with that plan than try to devise my own.

To pray like that is scary though. What if I don't get what I want? Again, I know that sounds selfish...and it is, but that's honestly how I have felt. Then she shared a beautiful insight with me. Remember that night before Jesus' crucifixion, where he is praying in the garden. After wrestling in prayer he says, "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will but yours be done." Now that's where most of us stop and think, "Now that's real faith and trust. That's how we all need to pray." While there's truth in that, my friend pointed out that we shouldn't stop there - the next verse is so powerful. "An angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him." The answer to his prayer was that the cup would not be taken from him, yet God would give him the strength to face it. Isn't that beautiful?! God could have said, "Nope, sorry. You are stuck with it. Good luck!" No, God lovingly gave him the strength he would need to get through.

Whether God chooses to answer my prayers, with "Yes," "No," or "Not now," I trust that he will give me the strength I need to face whatever comes. That thought hasn't completely lifted the weight I have been under for the past few weeks, but it gives me great encouragement to know, God will give me the strength I need to lift it. I don't have to do this on my own. Whew!

Its so beautiful to see how God uses my friendships to speak truth and love into my life. I have been blessed with some wonderful friends, and for that I am thankful!

If you could see me now

This week, my family suffered another terrible loss. My cousin Tyler, who is just months older than me passed away after an agonizing battle with Melanoma. So young...so sad. I wish I could think of the perfect words as a tribute to my cousin, but alas there are no words to capture what he meant to our family and to me. What I treasured about him was how present, how loving he was when I saw him. Because my dad left when I was just a baby and created an awkward strain on me and his family, I only go home to visit about once or so every year. Yet every time that I would go home, and get to see Tyler, I remember how he was always happy to see me and made me feel so loved and cared about. I will treasure the conversations I had with him and the times that we spent together.

I am sad that he suffered so greatly in his last days. As devastated as I am that he is gone, I find real hope in the fact that for those in Christ, death is a victory.

The song that I mentioned in my last blog, capture this hope that we have.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bFOdA52sjFA&safety_mode=true&persist_safety_mode=1

We love you Tyler! You will be missed, but we wish we could see you now!

Held

Over the last few weeks, a new kind of darkness has set in...not the lonely darkness of grief which still hovers at times, but the darkness of fear for the future. What does God have in store for me? Will I ever get to be a mother to my own babies? This has really forced me to examine my faith. Do I really trust that God has a plan for my life - a plan that will bring him glory and be the best for me? Some days I do, but some days that's just to hard to swallow.

But God showed up this weekend, and it was so sweet.

This past weekend, I headed up to Minneapolis to attend the Women of Faith conference with Matt's mom, sister, and sister-in-law. We have been attending this conference for years and it has been such a wonderful weekend where we have gotten to bond as the women of the family and put aside the differences of our faith backgrounds and unite in our common love for Jesus. Its usually one of my favorite weekends of the year, but I have to admit, I was not looking forward to it as I have in years past. I just kept remembering how it was this weekend last year that we announced to everyone that we were pregnant. Because of our prior miscarriage, we had waited a while to tell everyone. We actually made it to 17 weeks and I was starting to show. Since I was going to see everyone in person, we figured we had to tell or they were going to think I swallowed a basketball. My mom was so excited. I remember her putting her hand on my belly. Somehow she knew right away that I was carrying a little boy. Matt's family was thrilled too. I remember that our mom's introduced themselves at the conference as grandmas to be. It was such a happy time. I remember that in the quiet moments of the weekend, I thought of how at this time next year, I would have a 7 month old baby. How exciting!

But that's not how it worked out. Here I sat this year, a childless mother. I just kept thinking, my boys should be at home hanging out together. Matt should not be home studying alone.

As I sat in my own pity party at the conference on Friday night, one of my favorite singers, Mandisa, took the stage. After of couple of lively songs, she told a story to start her slower set. A few years ago, a woman sent her a message. She was throwing a shower for a friend who was one of Mandisa's biggest fans and the friend thought it would be awesome if Mandisa would write her a note to be read at the shower. Mandisa readily agreed. A few weeks later, a very pregnant woman showed up at the front of one of her signing lines, and it turned about to be the same woman. They had a wonderful meeting and talked about the baby - who the woman found out was going to be a little boy and she was going to name him Andrew. A few weeks later, Mandisa was shocked to learn that the woman was being rushed to the hospital and they couldn't find little Andrew's heartbeat. Mandisa prayed for a miracle, but she was devastated to learn that Andrew passed away.

After telling this story, Mandisa said that she knew that there were other woman in the audience who had faced similar loss. She said she wanted us to know that in the midst of the pain and the grief, God was with us and that he loved us dearly. She then proceed to sing a beautiful song that she wrote in honor of Andrew.

How in the world, did she talk about the exact kind of tragedy I have faced this year? It was as though God was speaking directly to me. The tears flowed, but they weren't so much tears of sadness; they were more the tears of a woman who was touched to know that the God of the universe cared about her. He may not have stopped this whole mess from happening but he is holding me in the midst of the pain. It was though he was gently telling me, "Trust me. I do love you. I am still here."

It was a powerful moment. Somehow a bit of the darkness and fear that hovered over me for the past weeks just melted away. I don't know any more about what the future holds for me, but I do know who will be holding me through it. That's a beautiful comfort.

I'm back!

Sorry, I have been MIA lately, but Matt and I were on vacation. We went to New York, Cape Cod, and Boston, and get this, we took a train both ways! I think that idea sounded more idyllic when we were planning because the 21 hour trip both ways got a little long, but it was fun to roll through the heart of some beautiful small towns and look out at the glorious fall colors- especially through the Berkshires in western Massachusetts.

We had a blast out east, exploring the cities and the history of our country (Its amazing how I suddenly become interested in history when I travel....read it in a textbook and I am asleep in under 10 minutes). Here are a couple of my favorite pictures:

My favorite part of vacation was the whale watching trip we got to go on out of the Boston Harbor. Our captain took us about an hour and a half outside of Boston - so far out that no land was visible any way that you looked. We along with all the other passengers stood along the edge of the deck and scanned the ocean for any sight of a whale. After about 10 minutes of nothing, I thought to myself, "Sure, after the year I have had, of course I wouldn't actually see a whale." (Sheesh...my bratty self can come out). But then we spotted it:

The awesome spout from a blowhole of a whale! Just moments later, he came out of the surface of the water and we could see him a little more. Now, I have seen plenty of whales an Sea World or the aquarium, but this was the first whale I had ever seen in the wild, and I loved it! They are HUGE and powerful and beautiful. We saw a Minke whale and quite a few Humpback whales. One swam just under the surface of the water right next to the boat - kind of like seeing a big fish under the surface when you are at the lake, but this thing was HUGE! Matt and I were really glad to be in a big boat.

I stood there enthralled for of an hour looking for whales and gazing at the beautiful ocean and I was struck by the thought that

God's creation is amazing!