Contentment

Matt and I went out to visit the "property" after church today. We were lamenting on how surreal this whole situation feels and how this loss seems to have thrown us into this bizarre time warp. Honestly many days, I still feel like I am just trying to survive - to get through the day without crying and try to find some bit of joy. Days crawl by and seem to fly by in a blurr at the same time. We can't believe that it has nearly been 6 months since we kissed our precious son hello and goodbye. It still feels like it was just yesterday and decades ago at the same time. Our whole lives seem like they have been split in two: B.I. and A.I. (before Isaiah and after Isaiah).

In the midst of our time warp, God continues to show His faithfulness so clearly. Though many days I still kick and scream and cry out to him about why my life is what it is, He still won't let me go. He just keeps tangibly showing me signs of His love and goodness. Man, there are some days I just hate that. I want to be mad at God and blame him for everything. To all of my rage, He responds with unfathomable love and gentleness. I don't deserve the grace He gives me, yet I am eternally grateful!

I feel like I hear God clearer lately too. Its amazing how loss, how stripping away earthly joy makes me just lean into God. I love that even in the midst of this valley, He keeps showing me more of Himself, and teaching me how to draw closer to Him.

Over the last week or so, God has pressed a word on my heart.

Contentment.

This thought has really stemmed from a verse I stumbled across in Philippians:

"I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through Him who gives me strength." - Philippians 4: 11b-13

According to the intro to Philippians in my Bible, "In a life dedicated to serving Christ, Paul had faced excruciating poverty, abundant wealth and everything in between. He even wrote this joyful letter from prison. Whatever the circumstances, Paul had learned to be content, finding real joy as he focused all of his attention and energy on knowing Christ and obeying him."

Wow, I want that. Honestly, my life has been plagued by a lot of sadness, fear and jealousy lately. Sadness, that I will never see my boy this side of eternity, fear that I will never get pregnant again and give birth to a live child, and jealousy of those that do. I have to admit that is not a fun place to be. I keep trying to fight these feelings on my own, but I am learning that I can't. I need Jesus to fight this fight for me!

I desperately want Him to be my All in All. No matter the circumstances that come into my life He will still be God. He is still good and I want to trust in His goodness. I trust that He has a plan for my life and it is for my good and His glory. I may not understand how or why it unfolds as it does, but I trust that it is good. The more I think of that, the more that my fears go away. I pray that one day I will give birth to a healthy child, but even if I don't, God is still God and His plan for my life is still good.

I say this all but I have to admit that it is not with unwavering certainty. This is a day by day thing. Every day, I have to wake up, hand God my bundle of grief and sin and insecurities and ask Him to show me His goodness and His glory and ask Him to help me to trust in Him more. Daily I have to invite him to be my All in All.

You are my strength when I am weak
You are the treasure that I seek
You are my All in All
Seeking you as a precious jewel,
Lord to give up, I'd be a fool.
You are my All in All

Jesus, Lamb of God,
Worthy is your name.
Jesus, Holy Lamb of God,
Worthy is your name!

Taking my sin, my cross, my shame,
Rising again, I bless your name.
You are my All in All.
When I fall down you pick me up
When I am dry you fill my cup.
You are my all in all

©1991 Shepherd's Heart Music, Inc.
Words and Music by Dennis Jernigan

Think about such things

To borrow a phrase from a blog I recently stumbled across, this blog is getting moldy. I haven't had the motivation or inspiration to update it lately.

Honestly, I have been in quite the funk for the last couple of weeks. I was warned by many women who have gone through a similar tragedy that grief can come and go in waves, but I never expected that it would still hit me like this 5 months later.

I am learning that there is no timetable for grief. Each of our experiences are unique and therefore how we learn to cope with our grief will be different. I am really wishing there was a road map at this point though so I would know what to expect, but alas there is not, and I need to come up with a game plan to help me through these difficult seasons.

I know I need to face this grief head-on. To try deny an emotion and bury it is to risk an emotional explosion later. But I also, am coming to realize that I have control of how I respond to these emotions and what I do with them. I can wallow in them until they affect my sleep, my health, and my attitude....which is what I have done lately, and trust me, I don't even like to be around myself then! Or I can express what I am feeling in a healthy way - praying, journaling, and talking to good biblical counselors and friends, and choose to not let these feelings consume me. I can either choose to focus on the negatives, the sadness, the loss or choose to focus on the beautiful blessing Isaiah was and is to me and the many other blessings in my life. I am going to go with option B because that puts me in a much better place.

So in an effort, to focus on the blessings in my life, I am going to start a blessings journal. I want to use this to record all of the blessings of my day - be they big or small, so when I am having a tough day, I can flip through and remember that even in the tough days of life, I am still abundantly blessed.

Its amazing how what we choose to think of can dramatically affect our attitude and perspectives on life.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. - Philippians 4:8

5!

Lauren and I showed up to our first pre-marital class in winter of 2004. We drove out to a far-flung Minneapolis suburb to listen and learn from another Christian couple assigned to us by the church. I still remember walking into their house, glancing at the framed picture of George W., taking a seat awkwardly in the ultra-formal, ultra-floral love seat, and wondering how weird this was going to be. Sparing you the details... it was, in fact, weird. We flunked our compatibility quiz, stumbled through the sex discussion, and fought desperately from rolling our eyes as the couple waxed-on about their unbelievably obedient, gifted children. Despite all of the weirdness, the couple had two things right: they were desperately in love with Jesus and desperately in love with each other. It was infectious.

Six months later, I married my beautiful bride on a warm and sunny June day in Minnesota. She balled her eyes out the whole day.

It was perfect.

We flew to Mexico for our honeymoon. While in Mexico, we drove up an ocean-side mountain, discovered Lauren had a severe allergy to shellfish, and watched thousands of "creatures" emerge from the Pacific one night, just after nightfall. The million crab march was utterly terrifying and altogether beautiful... just like marriage.

The ensuing years equalled lots of grad school, apartment hunting, meals-gone-wrong, and beautiful dusk walks. We spent lots of time traveling. We wandered through Florence and Rome: lovin' the Bernini and biscotti. We flew to Rio de Janeiro: explored a jungle, lived for churrascaria, and got mugged on the Copacabana. We travelled to Paris: fell in love with the Marais disctrict, pane au chocolat, and Chartres. This past spring we took a trip to northern California and drove from valley to valley looking for old mission churches, vineyards, and breathtaking views.

While president-elect Obama was speaking to a crowd of thousands in Chicago's Grant park (election night 2008), Lauren and I were a few blocks away eating dinner. That night Lauren told me that we she was pregnant and I was so joyful. I remember instantly thinking: what name should we choose for him? For her? Where would he/she go to school? Would he/she be a cubs fan or a sox fan? ... But, before Obama could take residence in 1600 Pennsylvania Ave NW, we had miscarried and were distraught. so shattered.

By late summer 2009, Lauren was pregnant again. We were fearful but so excited. I didn't allow myself to think of names or schools or sport affiliations. We took one day at a time and everything seemed to be going so well. Lauren's midsection grew slowly...then dramatically. Week 8, 12, 20, 24 passed and everything was perfect. Then in the last throes of winter, our sweet boy, Isaiah, passed away at 32 weeks. Lauren endured labor and we held our dead son.

It snowed with abandon on the day he was buried. The snow covered my bible. It covered our coats, boots, and faces. I wanted to disappear with the snow. To be white and only one of millions of flakes.

We drove our old Saturn along the north shore as the snow storm intensified. The sensible would choose to stay off the roads, but I had no sense and so we drove from Rosehill cemetery on Chicago's northside north along the crashing waves of Lake Michigan.

The days that followed were so dark and schizophrenic. We hurled our anger toward the ALMIGHTY and buried our faces deep in HIS beautiful chest. We sensed HIS love more than ever before. And, in our desperation, lived for HIM alone.

There is a song that captured our thoughts during that time (and it's still our favorite worship song).

soon and very soon

my KING is coming

robed in righteousness

and crowned with love

when I see HIM I

shall be made like HIM

soon and very soon

soon and very soon

i'll be going

to the place HE has

prepared for me

there my sin erased

my shame forgotten

soon and very soon

i'll be with

the one i love

with unveiled face I'll see HIM

then my soul

will be satisfied

soon and very soon

soon and very soon

see the procession

the angels and the elders

'round the throne

at HIS feet I lay

my crowns my worship

soon and very soon

though i have not seen HIM

my heart knows HIM well

JESUS CHRIST the LAMB

the LORD of heaven

soon and very soon...

My favorite phrase in this song is "with unveiled face, I'll see him." This comes from 2 Corinthians 3:18 where Paul writes:

"And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the LORD's glory, are being transformed into HIS likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the LORD, who is the SPIRIT."

Heavenly Father, it is our desire as husband and wife these 5 years and the next 50, to reflect YOUR glory with unveiled faces.

we've experienced so much joy, discovery, patience, and pain these last 5 years. Tonight we are packing for a long weekend at Sleeping Bear Dunes near Traverse City Michigan. The landscape along the lake dunes is utterly sublime and breathtaking. I can't wait to enjoy the CREATOR'S creation, and walk hand in hand with my beautiful bride.

What's in a name?

This is a question that has popped into my head repeatedly in the busyness of the last few weeks. Something I still treasure more than words express is to hear people use Isaiah's name. Somehow this simple gesture seems to validate my son's brief life. In hearing his name, it reminds me that he really did exist. I really was pregnant with him for 32 weeks. Its not just a whimsical dream of some far off carefree life.


I am a member of an online support group and recently, we have been doing a name project where we take picture of each others babies' names and photograph them in interesting ways. It is such a simple project, but I can't tell you how powerful it is to see your child's name written out. Its a tangible representation of how he left a mark on this earth in his brief life. Here's a few of my favorite examples:

Sadly, these sweet pictures are not the only ways I have seen my son's name in the last couple of weeks. From time to time, Matt and I like to go visit Isaiah's "property." We know he is not really there, but it is a special place for us to go and spend time where his physical body rests. Because Isaiah died in the winter, we were not able to get a tombstone right away. We designed the stone a while back but were told that it wouldn't be in until spring or so, and that they would call us as soon as it was in.

Two weekends ago, we were out visiting the property and we were shocked to see that his stone was already set. No one called to warn us. I know it may not seem like such a big deal, but there is something shattering about seeing the name that you lovingly picked out for your son etched in granite.

So final. So real.

A flood of emotions hit me as I gazed upon this marker. Part of me was happy about how it turned out and the fact that there will be a permanent marker of his existence, but I was also flooded with the memories of what happened and the realization that my son really is buried and I will never see him again this side of eternity. I can't help but think, "Is this really my life?" "Did this really happen?"

Alas it did. I am coming to terms with the fact that I may never fully understand why God allowed this to happen. Daily, I am choosing to trust God and his goodness. Something that used to come so naturally to me, now really is a daily choice. Its so easy to trust God when things are going well, but its a whole different ball game when life is hard.

Something I have really been seeking to do lately is focus on the truths of God. Though my emotions are quite the roller coaster right now, and can't be trusted, God is unchanging. He is the same yesterday, today and forever.

"The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliver; my God is my rock,

in whom I take refuge."

(Psalm 18:2)

How are you?

How are you?

I feel like I have been asked this question a thousand times recently. Don't get me wrong, I love that people are willing to continue to support us and show their love and concern, but I have to admit I get sick of this question because it is a really hard one for me to answer. I think most people expect a few short words as a response to that question. Unfortunately, I can't sum up how I am really doing in a few words, so I warn you now, if you want an honest answer to how I am doing, be prepared for a book.

I have made the effort to condense my answers a bit since most people would prefer the cliff notes to the three part epic novel. The best thing I have come up with is to say that everyday is a roller coaster - some days are good - I would even go as far as to say really good - but some days are still so tough.

For those of you that truly do want to know, here's a glimpse into the deeper reality of how I am doing. I truly do feel like I am stuck on a roller coaster. I have had some wonderful moments lately. I am finding the deepest joy in the fact that God seems to be drawing Matt and I so close to Himself. I can't begin to tell you how much it means to me to see how God is working and moving in Matt's life. I continue to see more and more of God's character shine through him and I can feel God drawing us closer together though our love for Him. The conversations we have had, the prayers we have prayed together, the sweet time we have just hanging out together, its simply amazing!

I have also found great joy in spending time with my friends and family. I find that more and more lately, I am able to enjoy myself while I am out doing things with people. I find myself laughing and smiling more often and I am so thankful for that.

But I have to be honest, though things are "better" sometimes, I am still deeply struggling at times too. Every new situation seems to bring the thought that Isaiah should be with us. I also really struggle with jealousy at times. I desire to be a mother to a child here on earth so seeing pregnant women and babies everywhere brings pangs of longing. I find myself wondering why I don't deserve to be a mother like these other women? What's wrong with me? I know this is not true and I have to fight these thoughts with God's truth. Still as strong as I try to be, my heart and arms ache with emptiness and my mind spins as I try to answer the never ending why's in my head. Why me? Why us? Why Isaiah? I have thought to myself many a time that when I get to heaven I have some questions for God. He better help me understand this!

Matt has really helped me deal with this desire to get answers from God. He was listening to a podcast of one of our favorite pastors. The pastor began by reading from Isaiah 6: 1-5

In the year that Kind Uzziah died, I saw the Lord seated on a throne, high and exalted, and the train of his robe filled the temple. Above him were seraphs, each with six wings: With two wings they covered their faces , with two they covered their feet, and with two they were flying. And they were calling to one another:

"Holy, holy, holy is the Lord Almighty;

the whole earth is full of his glory."

At the sound of their voices the doorposts and thresholds shook and the temple was filled with smoke.

Woe to me!" I cried. "I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips , and my eyes have seen the King, the Lord Almighty."

Wow, is all I can say. Can you imagine seeing such a powerful scene? What MAJESTY and AWE!

After reading this portion of scripture, the pastor asked if we were standing in this amazing scene before Almighty God, would we really want to demand any answers from him? Would we really want to share our "beefs" with him? Really?

No! If I were standing there, like Isaiah, I would be totally freaked out. I would also want to throw myself on the ground and cry out "Woe is me! I am unclean and I am gazing upon Almighty God." All the beefs and questions I have will disappear as I gaze upon God's beauty and majesty.

The amazing thing about God is that He is this majestic fear-inspiring God but He is also full of love, grace and compassion. He is truly amazing! Though on this earth, I may never understand why God allowed Isaiah to die, I rest in knowing that God is God and I am not. He may chose to answer some of my questions, or He may ask me to simply trust in His unfailing plan. Whatever He chooses to reveal to me, I am choosing to put Him on the throne of my life, and to Him I cry,

Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord Almighty;

The Whole Earth is filled is his glory!"

The elusive sheep are back in town!

I made it through my first Mother's Day weekend without Isaiah, and it was not as bad as I anticipated it to be. In large part, that was due to my sweet grandmothers birthday. Well, I suppose the mere fact that I am writing this entry tonight is due to my grandmother's birthday because I wouldn't be here without her, but I digress.

This weekend, Matt and I made the long drive from Chicago to Tennessee to celebrate my grandmother's 80th birthday. My mom planned a surprise party for her and invited the family and her friends. I have to admit, I dreaded this a bit in the weeks preceding. Being in a large group is still hard for me - especially when its seeing the people in the large group for the first time since I lost Isaiah since most people say something the first time they see me if they know what happened. Though I deeply appreciate their care and shows of support and affection, it is really hard to repeatedly hear, "I am so sorry," and "How are you," in that sympathetic, don't upset the grieving mom tone.

The party turned out to be a lot of fun. I could tell my grandma loved the surprise and loved that so many people came out to celebrate her special day. And yes, quite a few people came up to Matt and I with the expected questions and comments but they were all really sweet about it and we prepared a few answers so we wouldn't have to think about it too much and could keep as much attention as possible on my grandma.

My grandma told me something after the party that really touched my heart. As much fun as she had at the party, it was still hard to celebrate without thinking that my grandpa should be there with her. Just as I was feeling that Isaiah was missing from the party, she felt that grandpa was missing from the party. I know that is such a simple statement but I was so wrapped up in my own feelings of loss that it never occurred to me to think of how that would feel for her. I am so thankful that she shared that with me because in a weird way, I felt bonded to her in a special way through our grief.

I also felt bonded to my aunt this weekend. About 10 years ago, my aunt also lost a precious baby to stillbirth. I hate that we share this agonizing loss, but knowing she walked this road before me is such an encouragement to me. And seeing my cousin who was born just a year after she lost her baby was an encouragement to me as well. She is such a sweet, beautiful girl and she is a wonderful reminder that there is hope even in devastating loss. My aunt also gave me a beautiful mother's necklace. She didn't want to make a big deal of it, or call it a mother's day gift, but this gift really touched me. To have someone honor me as a mother meant so much to me - especially when it came from someone who really understood this lonely journey.

Matt and I also got to cook dinner for my mom and grandma on Sunday. As much as we wanted to bless these sweet women on Mother's Day, it was a blessing to us as well. It kept me busy not thinking about myself. The less time I have to think on these "hard days" the better, and it allowed Matt and I to do something fun together which is something we really appreciate right now.

All in all, it was a wonderful weekend, and on top of all the other blessings, God gave me one other present - 3 nights of falling asleep without having to take anything! For those of you that have journeyed with me through this loss, you know that sleep has been my toughest physical symptoms. Most nights, I cannot fall asleep without taking Benadryl or Tylenol PM, but for the last three nights, I have drifted off to sleep without taking anything. That's huge for me. I have spent so much time in the last week trying to track down some sheep to count, but this weekend, my elusive sheep were back in town!!

Keep Your Fork!

I can't believe its already been three months since we said hello and goodbye to Isaiah. Three months? My heart still aches for him like it was just yesterday. Yet at the same time, I feel like it was years ago. I think part of it is that I feel like I am a different person than I was three months and a day ago. Thanks to my sweet boy, I have learned to be so much more intentional about life. Each moment that I have seems so precious to me now, and I finally taking the time treasure friendships, family, and my husband and put life into perspective.

I recently read a book that talks a lot about perspective: The Noticer, by Andy Andrews. In this story, the main character, Jones, helps people discover perspective about their lives and their situations, and there is one story that has been a real encouragement to me.

A woman wakes up to find Jones comforting her husband, Harrison, who was losing his battle with cancer. He had become quite bitter and afraid of dying. In talking to him, Jones brought up the memory of holiday meals at Harrison's mother's house. Harrison reminisced of what a wonderful cook his mother was and how joyous these meals were. Then Jones reminded him of what she used to say as she would clear the table of the dinner dishes before dessert. You see even better than her cooking was her desert baking. Everybody raved about how good her pies and cookies were. So as she cleared the table, she would remind everyone to keep their dinner fork because the best was yet to come. Before Jones left Harrison that night, he kissed him on the head and said, "You don't have to be afraid anymore, Harrison. You can keep your fork. The best is yet to come."

How powerful and how true! I have had my share of hardships and I am sure I will have more, but I can rest in knowing that one day I will be reunited with my Glorious Savior. He will wipe away every tear. He will mend my broken heart. He will make all things right and in him I will be complete. I celebrate that no matter what life brings, the best is yet to come!

Sileo

I am spending another lazy Saturday, sipping coffee, crocheting, and hanging out with my wonderful husband. Again, I find myself gazing out our living room windows and I have made a wonderful discovery. A beautiful Robin is building her nest right outside of our window.

OK, I must admit that at first, I was struck by the irony of this. Sure we recently lost our son, and now I have to gaze out at a bird preparing a nest for her new babies. Not fair. This reminds me of another not fair animal moment. While Matt and I were on our trip to California, we stopped to see a geyser we read about in our travel guide. Well, this turned out to be quite the roadside attraction. Sure the geyser was cool but there were lots of other cheesy things set up - one being a petting zoo. In one fenced in area, a mother goat was nursing her baby goat and I found myself balling. You know your emotions are raw when a nursing goat brings you to tears - seriously a goat! I think the kids around the petting zoo thought I was a complete nut.

Anyway, back to my Robin. After I got through my initial moment of irony, I found myself drawn to this mother bird as she builds her nest. It is so amazing to watch her bring back scraps, twigs and strings and weave them together to make nest. Its stunning to watch her wind these items around in circles and pat them down with her feet. There is such beauty and love in the way that she builds this nest for her babies. One of the things I found most stunning about this whole process is how secure this nest is. Its a rather windy morning. All of the leaves and delicate branches of the tree are swaying about in the wind yet the nest - which is made of nothing more than scraps and twigs - stands firm. It doesn't sway at all. Matt mentioned something about a mother Robin's spit being like cement which holds the nest together so strongly. I have no idea if that is actually true, but I like the imagery of it!

Gods love is a lot like that. Man this world is just plain windy. We are constantly blown back and forth by the turbulent gusts of the struggles and hardships and pain of this life. Yet, God's love is immovable. He keeps telling me just rest in the nest of love and protection and hope that He has made for me. Yes, the world will still be turbulent, and unfortunately, we do not get a quick pass out of these troubles, but in Him, we are secure and will find rest.

This reminds me of the picture that Matt created to go over our bed. In large lime green text, is the word Sileo which is Latin for rest or quiet. Under that, is the verse that reminds me of God's amazing, immovable love:

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the Shadow of the Almighty.
I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God in whom I trust."

-Psalm 91:1-2

Brown Trees

This year, spring has refreshed my heart in a new way. The new leaves and flowers that are blooming all around me feel like God's beautiful reminders that in a world that can be so dark and painful and sad, there is still beauty and joy. I love to sit on my couch and look out the window at all the fresh signs of life, and looking out these windows as the trees bud always makes me think of a funny story.

Matt and I moved to Chicago rather hastily. Matt was just graduating grad school for architecture, and he got a promising new job offer. There was one caveat. They needed us there in just over three weeks. We were in the process of looking to buy a place in Minneapolis. We had already been pre-approved, were analyzing our finances and dreaming of all the personal touches you could put on a place of your own - like painting and drilling things into a wall. (We had been so trained in college about not nailing or drilling things into the wall, that this seemed oddly appealing). The prospect of having to rent again in Chicago seemed dreary. So we decided to head to Chicago for a weekend and meet with a realtor to see if it would be possible to choose a place and close on it in just three weeks.

After looking at just over a million places in 2 days, we fell in love with a small condo in Edgewater. We put in an offer, and just three weeks later we closed. When we looked at our place, it was just before the leaves came out on the trees. We loved all of the giant trees on our street and we couldn't wait for the beauty of the green canopy of leaves that was sure to follow.

Well, I came up a few days early to interview at my new job and do a walk through of the condo and I came across a startling realization. Our trees were brown! I remember calling Matt and asking him how we could possibly have just bought a place with the only brown trees on our street!

Life can be like that. We expect certain things. Like you would expect green leaves on a tree in spring, you expect life to fall into a certain pattern - like that old nursery rhyme..first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage. The first two parts of that worked for me so where is my baby in the baby carriage. Twice now, once through an early miscarriage and then through the loss of Isaiah, this dream has been shattered before my eyes. The carriage that we borrowed from a friend still stands empty.

I still struggle with the meaning of all this. Why me? Does God really care? How in the world can He allow me and so many other beautiful women I know to go through such tragic loss. God still hasn't given me an explanation and I don't think I will ever get answers to all my questions, but over and over, God keeps showing me how much He does care. Lately, He has been giving me glimpses of how He prepared my heart and my faith to walk through this valley and He has shown me how He continues to walk through it with me and hopes to lead me out. I will never understand why Isaiah can't be here with me and there are a lot of other things about life and my past that I will never understand, but I am leaning on this verse:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will direct your path. -Proverbs 3:5

our holy joy

why did YOU make us to feel so deeply? why did YOU form us to love so strongly and despair so thoroughly? we miss our son more than words, everything inside us aches: our insides collapse and our minds spin. the only truth we can piece together is that we are in YOUR image and YOUR likeness. If we--fallen and sinful creatures--ache this much, how much more do YOU, our HOLY JOY, ache for us?

our tears moisten, YOUR tears flood.

since losing isaiah, david crowder's rendition of "how HE loves" captures the hope found in JESUS, our holy joy:

how HE loves*

HE is jealous for me, LOVES like a hurricane, i am a tree,

bending beneath the weight of HIS wind and mercy.

when all of a sudden, i am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,

and I realize just how beautiful YOU are,

and how great YOUR affections are for me.

how HE loves us oh,

how HE loves us,

how HE loves us all

HE loves us,

oh how HE loves us,

oh how HE loves us,

oh how HE loves.

and we are HIS portion and HE is our prize,

drawn to redemption by the grace in HIS eyes,

if HIS grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.

and heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,

and my heart turns violently inside of my chest,

i don’t have time to maintain these regrets,

when i think about, the way that

HE loves us,

oh how HE loves us,

oh how HE loves us,

oh how HE loves.

yeah, HE loves us,

oh how HE loves us,

oh how HE loves us,

oh how HE loves.

*lyrics by john mark mcmillian, performed (best!) by david crowder band